There are things in this world I understand … roses, marlin fishing, the internet … and there are things I don’t. Among those I don’t? Fake breasts. More on after yet another example of the misplaced priorities in society today.

Chantal Marshall is a British homemaker. The 50-yr-old mother of 9 seems normal enough, yet her family proudly holds an English record – the most breast augmentations within a single family. Between Marshall and 4 of her daughters, they’ve received 9 pairs of implants.

One short of a silicone six-pack

Ripley, 18, Tara, 22, Terri, 25, Emma, 28, and mum-of-nine Chantal, of Kirkby-in-Ashfield, Notts, now boast chest sizes ranging from 34DD to 32GG.

On one occasion, Emma and Ripley even ended up having breast enhancement surgery on the same day and at the same clinic as their mum.

Tara had booked her consultation aged 17 so she could have the op as soon as she reached the age of 18.

The sisters – all with matching blonde hair just like their mum – say that like most siblings they have always copied each other.

But they insist that when it comes their chest sizes, they aren’t at all competitive.

They reckon their desire for bigger boobs was inspired by Chantal – who is often mistaken by strangers for their sister.

They don’t mention the husband/father of this clan; I’m wondering if he’s present or if his departure led to the mother’s initial need to “improve” herself. Nor do they mention the other four five children; it would be interesting to learn the thoughts of those.

As a single guy, I have a vested interest in breasts; I’m among their biggest fans. I’ve dated women with implants, and I had one girlfriend get implants and another opt for a reduction, both while I was dating them. I’ve experienced a pretty good spectrum of what both natural and non-natural sources can provide.

Two comments I’ll make on this story, and the topic of breast augmentation in general, based on my experiences. First, while it’s true that some of the aftermarket boobies out there can look pretty damned nice in a sweater or bikini top, I’ve never seen a set that doesn’t disappoint once forced to stand on their own, as it were. The illusion ends the moment the bra drops, and anyone telling you otherwise is wrong. That’s particularly true as the cup size goes up – a cruel little fact; the better they look in clothes, the worse they’ll look later on. Now, if you don’t mind having that little reality check stare you in the face every time your girlfriend gets naked for you, go right ahead. But to me, it’s just another form of bait-and-switch.

My second comment goes beyond the breasts themselves to the motivation behind them.  There are certain circumstances when breast augmentation fills a legitimate medical need – post-mastectomy, for example, or cases where the breasts are mis-sized or effectively non-existent. An intelligently planned and executed augmentation can help achieve or regain a sense of “normalcy,” and that’s not a bad thing.

But that’s a far cry from what we see way too much of today. The article mentions the “Baywatch” influence, pneumatic breasts bouncing along like a pair of beach balls in the bleachers at Dodger Stadium. But what Pamela Anderson and Carmen Electra – not to mention the entire constituency of “Porn Valley” – have chosen to do is a business decision, one made based strictly on dollars and sense. Unless your goal is to be a porn star or a stripper, it’s the wrong path to go down.

There’s one common trait I see among the women I’ve known who opted to make changes. Whether for larger implants, smaller implants or decreased natural breasts, in each case they were looking for a surgeon to cure on their chests an issue that truly existed between their ears.  I understand better than most what it’s like to go through life without a lot of self-confidence, but to think that by stapling a pair of silicone balloons to your ribcage, effectively lowering the gaze of every man from your eyes to your chest, you will somehow become a better person is sad. Worse still, to hear an 18-yr-old girl talk of her need to increase from a 34C to DD is criminal.

This being the first of two rest days on the 2009 Tour de France, it would be easy for me to claim the need to take a blogging rest day as well. But as much as our readers might vigorously support that notion, we soldier on …

- File this under “You Knew It Was Coming,” but apparently the David Beckham Experience is being branded a failure. When Becks signed with the LA Galaxy two years ago, he was declared the second coming of Pele and the Man To Save Soccer In America. Hasn’t quite worked out that way, has it? Two coaches gone, a GM buried and now the once and future captains of the Galaxy are at odds with each other. I have nothing against Landon Donovan calling out Beckham for his role in the heavy-handed orchestration of control of the team. Donovan is every bit the world-class player Becks is, and unlike Beckham played by the rules and came home to the Galaxy from Europe when he was supposed to. Now, he did screw the pooch by venting his spleen to a reporter (who promptly put it into his new book) rather than to Beckham directly, but hell – how’s he supposed to talk to Becks when he’s off in Italy? Beckham is back in SoCal now, and none too pleased with the whole thing, and is trying to defend his professionalism. Personally, I think any semblance of professionalism – at least as it relates to his commitment to the Galaxy – has long since left the station. All he can do now is ride out his time with the Galaxy, do what he can to raise the image of soccer in LA and hang out with Tom C and those other galaxians until he can split town for good. UPDATE: Bring on the humble pie. Donovan and Beckham had their little talk, and there’s no question who’s who’s bitch now. Donovan’s quote for the media: “We’re getting past it, we’re moving on,” Donovan said. “There’s a lot of things I regret. I regret the way that I went about this process and I also regret some of the things I said.”

- C’mon, tell the truth: you thought Lance Armstrong would have cracked on the first big climb of the Tour, didn’t you? It’s OK to admit it – you won’t be alone. Lance was beyond riding age when he retired 4 years ago; to be riding competitively at 37 is some kind of freak show. But then, he’s already demonstrated a superhuman will once before … or rather, seven times. After the first nine stages, Armstrong sits 8 seconds behind the yellow jersey and 2 behind his teammate, Alberto Contador. The team time trial, won in dominating fashion by Armstrong’s Astana squad, put so much time into their competitors that after only a week this tour has come down to pretty much a two-man race. Contador won the first season after Armstrong’s retirement, and his break from Lance to leapfrog him in the standings mid-week shows that he perceives Armstrong as much as a rival as a teammate. Lance performed remarkably well in the Pyrenees, and should maintain his position until the Tour reaches the Alps in a week. That’s when the race will be won, and that’s when it’s gonna get really interesting around the Astana team dinner table …

- Major League Baseball has reached the All-Star break, the traditional mid-point of the season, and with that pundits will look back to the first half for signs of how the season will play out. Naturally, I’m one of them … So what have we learned so far? Well, with the single exception of the Dodgers, the National League sucks this year. We’ve seen it play out that way in the All-Star game for the last few years, but now we’re seeing it in the standings. LA has the best record in baseball, but you have to pass three American League teams before you get to the next best from the NL – and that’s only because Philly’s won five in a row. I mean, the Marlins are only 2 games over .500 and are still in the race – not pretty. The Dodgers are putting up balanced numbers, and have only gotten better since the return of ManRam, so barring some un-Torre-like tent folding, expect them to have a spot in the World Series. The AL’s a little trickier to handicap – Boston was out of the gate quick but is fading, and the Yankees bought bats are finally starting to come alive. The Angels lead the west for the moment, but they’ll remember they’re the Angels by the playoffs and insure that whoever takes the East takes the pennant. Should be an interesting second half …

- By any definition, the death of Steve McNair is tragic – another celebrity gone far too young through less than natural causes. But watching the coverage of his death, the investigation into his murder, and his funeral over the weekend, I noticed one significant difference from most of the recent deaths in the media. McNair was killed by his 20-yr-old girlfriend, who then shot herself, While it was noted that McNair was married with children, you’ve seen very little of them. I don’t know if it was a deliberate decision by the news media (unlikely), a result of the actions of the family during this period (possibly) or just luck, but the wife and kids have avoided the media circus that traditionally enveloped anyone near the celebrity in question. In this case, that’s a great thing, since they really aren’t the story and shouldn’t be forced to deal with the grief and embarrassment in public. I’d like to think that somehow the media recognized that sticking a microphone and camera into the widow’s face and questioning her about her husband’s girlfriend on the way to the funeral was wrong. I guess we’ll see, but I’m not holding out a lot of hope for next time.