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12/11/2007: "Gooooooooood Morning Bangalore!"

This entry is more of a vent than a rant, but I just gotta get it out of my system. I guess I could have subtitled it "Don't Know What You Got 'Til It's Gone" ...

For most of us, internet access is a given. Like the TV, telephone, water and power, it's just another utility that comes into the house. There are those of us, though, for whom it's a damn near essential. I'm one of those, and I'm realizing now just how essential it really is.

Waaaay back in 2000, I was one of the first folks to shift from dial-up to DSL, or digital subscriber line, internet access. I remember the joy when a telephone substation close enough to support my house came online, and the happiness of unpacking the modem and line filters. Ah, the raw speed! And at $50 a month, I'd happily paid twice as much.

As time passed, other options became available, but being a creature of habit I stuck with my system. Sure, there were faster ... and cheaper ... DSL options, and my cable company eventually offered an even quicker solution, but I didn't want to mess with the system. I had my 24-7 access and that was all I was worried about.

Last week, the base station for my Airport wireless network took a crap. I was able to cobble together a system using other parts, but it would be a mess until the replacement arrived. Fortunately, it came Saturday morning, and I spent an hour or so reconfiguring the network that supplies our duplex. I got the main router and three auxilary Airport Express routers set up, and took the extra time to bundle all the cabling up nice and neat. But before buttoning everything up, I thought it was prudent to do one last system check. Good idea, because for some reason, my 7-yr-old DSL modem picked that moment to head off to hardware heaven. No power to the lights means no power to the modem - and no internet.

Great ... I go from a cobbled together wireless network with access to a great one with no access. Unfortunately, unlike the Airport routers, I can't just go buy a new modem - it comes from the provider. So begins my round the world journey.

Now let me say before I go any further that while I'm not a huge fan of outsourcing, I understand the need. I realize that when I call my "local help desk", the person who picks up the phone on the other end isn't in my time zone - or likely even my hemisphere. No problem. All I ask is that in the outsourcing process, the needs of the customer are not forgotten. End rant ...

I know better than to call the Earthlink help desk when I have less than an hour to kill, so I jump online and use the "Live Chat" feature at the Earthlink web site.

(I should probably point out at this juncture that while I have no internet service to the house, I can sniff out 6 different wireless networks from my library. One, fortunately for me, is owned by someone with no concept of wireless security, so I can sneak onto that network for downloading email and emergencies like this. Like a kidnapper's phone call, though, you keep it short and get off the air!)

In the chat session I'm helped by "Chris S" whose grammer is a dead giveaway that he wasn't from any public school in America. We do the silly little dance necessary to confirm I am who I say I am, and I explain the problem: Dead modem, need new one. Now remember, this is a vintage 2000 modem. Naturally, they've upgraded things since then. Just as naturally, that means that it won't be as simple as dropping a modem in a box and calling FedEx.

Chris explains that they'll have to upgrade my account to their current DSL standard (something they should have proactively done years ago, IMO) so that I can use their current-issue modem. Good news? It'll double my network speed. Bad news? Someone is gonna have to check out my phone lines - in person. And when will that happen? Chris can't say. All he can do is generate a trouble ticket and give me the number to call on Monday morning.

Grrr.

I'll say this about spending an internet-free Sunday. There was a strange calm in the Home Office ... no answering of email, no hacking of code, no deleting of forums posts. It was ... unnerving. I still have the shakes. They say that admitting the problem is the first step, so there you go. Now shall we never speak of this again ...

After my conversation with Chris, I was convinced there was a solution in place for my issue, but I had no idea of when I'd be back up and running, so I called the number he gave me to check up on the trouble ticket. When I entered the number into the automated system, it replied that the ticket was already closed. Should have seen that trouble was on the horizon. Fortuntely, the system gives you the option to talk to someone if you feel you still have the problem.

Let's see ... no modem = no internet. Yup, still have the problem.

I'm transferred to the help line, where one of those annoyingly happy voices reminds me of how important my call is to them and that they might record my call for "quality control" purposes. Right ... I'm betting it involves a taser and a hammer, but I digress. The voice next informs me that I'll be transferred to the next available operator in "one ... eight ... minutes". Great. Fortunately (?), it only took 14 to get a live person. I'm not sure what city she was in, but it was definitely somewhere in the Indian Subcontinent.

Another 10 minutes go by as she verifies my account and calls up my trouble ticket. It's pretty clear that she has no real idea why I was sent to her, as there's nothing she can do. Looking at the ticket, it appears that it was referred to the local phone company in Redondo Beach so they can check out the lines. Considering the success factor associated with the idea of those two entities talking, I was about to inform her I was going with a different provider when she suggested they get the original individual who created the ticket on the line. What the hell ... in for a penny, in for a pound.

Another 10 minutes of hold music. Wonder if the Indians hate it as much as we do?

I guess I assumed this would be my earlier contact "Chris S" from the Saturday chat, but instead is was another tech trying hard to cover the Indian accent. And ... you guessed it ... another 10 minutes as he verifies the account and calls up the ticket.

By this time, over an hour into the experience, you want to just hang up - but you have too much invested in the process. I think they realize this, and use it against you ...

Another aside ... between times when I would tell him something, he'd have to go offline to check his data. Every time he came back on the line, it was always, "Are you still on the line?" Tells you something about how most of their customers must react ...

I explain for the umpteenth time that all I want is a new modem. This guy is back on the same line as Chris - I'll have to upgrade - but makes no mention of the need for someone to come and check the cables. Ah, progress.

Or so I thought. I figured the next thing I'd hear was the shipping date for my new, upgraded modem. As if. My new friend tells me I have three choices: I can have a free modem - but only if I commit to staying with Earthlink for at least a year (I'm currently monthly). OR ... I can have a new modem for $79. OR ... I can have a refurbished modem for $74. Pissed as I am at them, I'm not going to go through all this and then start all over again next week, so I bit on the free modem. Finally, we're through ... when will I see the modem?

Well, that depends, say my new friend. Do I want overnight shipping for $30, 5 day shipping for $20 or 10 day shipping for $15? Damn ... this is starting to sound like some kind of bad late night infomercial. "But wait ... there's more ..." I want very much to ask if the damned thing is being shipped from his office in Bangalore, but I resist. Gimme the quick shipping so I can end the nightmare all the sooner, I say.

You probably think I'm done - and so did I. That sound? That's the other shoe dropping. Once the modem arrives, I have to call so they can ... wait for it ... send out the technician the reset the lines! Jesus, you'd think it was two tin cans and some string.

So that's my tale of adventure with the helpful folks at Earthlink, India. I still don't have internet access, but at least a modem should be on the way. I keep thinking that if I'd have gone on what the first guy said on Saturday, I'd be waiting forever. I'm guessing that maybe tomorrow, maybe Thursday I'll finally have things back to normal at the Home Office.

Again, let me make it clear that I have nothing against any of the folks who actually helped me. They're just people living in difficult circumstances doing the best they can to improve their lives. My complaint is with the business executives who opt for these kind of solutions, knowing damned well that customer satisfaction will pay the price for their cost savings. And it's the same damned execs who create the demand for Guatemalan nannies and then complain about illegal immigration. Two-faced bastards ...

I feel much better ... thanks for listenening ...