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07/16/2008: "Asshat Update"
We're in Week Three of the Grand Cellphone Experiment here in California, where drivers are forbidden from using the cellphones to place and receive calls and instead must use a hands-free device - the now-famous Asshat©. For those of you who are fans of a law-abiding lifestyle, I have good news for you - the statistics say that people are obeying the law. While all of the police agencies claim that they are inforcing the new rules, relatively few tickets have been written.
As I drive around, asshat firmly in my ear, I can see that there are still those who just gotta use their phones. I guess that's to be expected, since not everyone ran out and got their asshat in time. Of course, some of them are just Asshats who are going to be assholes about the whole thing. This being California, I guess that's to be expected as well ...
Personally, the worst part of all of this has been that my biggest fear is coming true. Emboldened to wear their asshats in their cars, more and more Asshats continue to wear their asshats after they leave their vehicles. And just as I predicted, they're using the damned things to continue their conversations as they move around us, oblivious - or just uncaring - of our pain at having to unwillingly share their call. I can see now that the next thing we need to invent is the Asshat Scrambler© that will simultaneously scramble the circuitry of the asshat while scrambling the brain of the Asshat.
I wish I had a camera with me earlier this week, as I met the Asshat's Asshat. This guy is walking down the street with a cellphone pressed to his ear as if stapled there. What was in the other one? You guessed it - an asshat. Go figure.
