Sick As A Dog ...

I'm fighting the flu, so I'm not feeling terribly creative or witty. Hopefully, I'll kick this thing in a day or two.

But just because I'm sick, doesn't mean I don't enjoy a good joke, which is why I'll leave you with this shot of Paris Hilton doing a faceplant in Prague. Because even though I feel like crap, I know there are those who feel worse - or at least should.

Posted by MarlinNut @ 05:04 PM PST [link]

Sara Sez Thanks For All The Traffic

Popularity can be a fleeting thing. In today's media-savvy society, bombarded by the Internet and cell phones and all sorts of new ways to communicate, what's hot today can be cool tomorrow - or even this afternoon.

We run a happy little blog here, but we don't kid ourselves into believing that anyone actually reads it. Sure, we have our regulars, but on our best of days we're lucky if 50 people stop by to see what's up. No one will ever confuse the MarlinBlog with, say, Perez Hilton.

But, having an ego just like anyone else, I do check the stats to see how we're doing, so imagine my surprise on Monday when our traffic quadrupled - and then doubled again on Tuesday! I dug a little deeper, and found it was all coming from search engine requests looking for the same thing - Sara Evans. We've talked before about how we get a lot of traffic based on one picture of the country singer we ran nearly two years ago, but why such a bump? A quick Google search of my own brought the answer - she's getting married!

Now, normally, my reaction to attractive women announcing their engagement is something along the lines of jealousy - there's one more girl you won't be getting. But in this case, considering she's a single mother of a whole squadron of kids, and recently gone through a difficult divorce, I feel good for her. Stability can be a good thing, and I'm happy for anyone who can find a little love in their lives.

But, as I said earlier, popularity can be fleeting, and by now our traffic is nearly back down to it's typical trickle. So for those of you who might stumble by, all we can do is say thanks the best way we know how - with a little more Sara as our weekend eye candy ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 05:28 AM PST [link]

CMI Really Does Work ... And So Does The Right Beer ...

"Continuous Measurable Improvement" is a term you hear tossed about in the manufacturing industry. The idea is that any process, no matter how efficient, can be improved, even if only by a little. You perform the process, evaluate the results, modify the process, and reperform the process ... lather, rinse, repeat. In theory, CMI could be applied to any process ...

Last week, I documented my failed attempts to pour a Half and Half - half Guinness, half Harp - creating what I referred to as a "beige" (as opposed to Black and Tan). I hadn't given it much more thought until I received an email about the posting from an English visitor. My first thought was that it would be some British bluster about my calling the drink a Black and Tan (a British moniker) instead of the proper label Half and Half. Fortunately, I took the time to read it all the way through.

Apparently, my English friend has better eyesight than most, and pointed out that I was suffering from a fatal flaw from the outset. Yes, he said, I was pouring Guinness, but I was pouring the wrong Guinness! I was using my favorite - Guinness Extra Stout - when in fact I should have used Draught.

My initial response was to be dubious. After all, what difference could that possibly make? But, never one to miss an opportunity to tip a pint in the name of science, I was off to the liquor store. Armed with a six-pack of Harp Lager and a six of Guinness Draught - complete with those funny plastic Rocket Widget - I set about pouring. In goes the Harp, followed by a careful pouring of Guinness. Stoop down to look through the beer ...

... hot damn - it separated! I'll be a baboon's buttocks ...

Sometimes in life, you have to admit when you're wrong, and I was. Careful research after the fact showed that I indeed was pouring the wrong brew. You have to take the bad with the good, though - I think I prefer the taste of my beige to the true Half and Half I now have in my hand. But in this battle, there are no losers.

Slainte!

Posted by MarlinNut @ 07:08 PM PST [link]

I'm So Screwed ...

Like many people my age, I carry more weight around my middle than I'd like. I work on making it go away, with mediocre success at best, but most of the time just deal with it's presence. I know that extra weight can lead to diabetes and high blood pressure and joint problems ... now it turns out it's gonna make me go mad, too ...

Analysis found that compared with people in the study with normal body weight and a low belly measurement:

- Participants with normal body weight and high belly measurements were 89 percent more likely to have dementia.

- Overweight people were 82 percent more likely if they had a low belly measurement, but more than twice as likely if they had a high belly measurement.

- Obese people were 81 percent more likely if they had a low belly measurement, but more than three times as likely if they had a high measurement.

Whitmer said there's no precise way to translate belly measurements into waist circumference. But most people have a sense of whether they have a big belly, she said. And if they do, the new study suggests they should get rid of it, she said.

Wonderful. Of course, I note that while they tell you that you should get rid of it, they don't tell you how. Man, that's one problem I wish you could solve with a pill ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 05:15 PM PST [link]

Nuts ....

You wouldn't expect Redondo Beach to be a haven for wild creatures, but you'd be wrong. I have raccoons that swim in my pond, and possums that snark around my trash cans. And then there are the squirrels.

Squirrels are brazen little bastards, perfectly adapted for city living. Anywhere there's cover to live in, and a source of food, you'll find the squirrels. And it's pretty incredible to see the lengths to which they'll go for a meal - don't for a second think your bird feeder is safe - they'll find a way to get the goodies.

I actually enjoy watching the squirrels, so I have a feeder that dispenses pumpkin seeds. They have to be smart enough to lift the lid on the box, but that doesn't take them long to figure out. My neighbor apparently also feeds the squirrels - peanuts in the shell, in his case - and therein lies my problem.

For the longest time, I'd find peanut shell husks scattered around my yard without a clue as to the source. It wasn't until a chance mention during a conversation did I add it up and realize they were the debris from the meal my neighbor was providing. A small price to pay, I suppose.

But now a new problem has arisen - literally. I didn't realize this, but apparently ground squirrels hoard food just like their tree-dwelling counterparts. The squirrels take a portion of the nuts they receive next door and bury them somewhere for later retrieval. That "somewhere" more often than not is apparently my back yard. A couple of weeks ago, after the rains had stopped and everything was starting to grow, I began to see a new kind of weed popping up in my rosebeds. The first time I pulled one up imagine my surprise when I found a peanut attached to the other end.

I've grown just about everything you can grow here in SoCal, but I know nothing about peanuts other than that George Washington Carver did his research using them and they got Jimmy Carter elected president. But I'm always up for an experiment, so I gathered a half-dozen of the baby peanuts and transplanted them into an unused corner of the garden. I have no idea what will happen, but it should be interesting ... if I can get the squirrels to wait their turn ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 05:06 PM PST [link]

It's Monday ... It's A Sports Rant. What Else Did You Expect?

Roundball dominates the news, but baseball is right around the corner ...

- I'm not a big basketball fan, but the stories are just too compelling. First, there's the race in the NBA's Western Conference. After the Spurs looked unbeatable in last year's playoffs and appeared poised to repeat, the other clubs reloaded with talent. The Lakers fired first, getting center/forward Pau Gasol from Memphis. That was followed in close order by Dallas reacquiring point guard Jason Kidd and the Phoenix Suns bringing in Shaquille O'Neal. Only the Lakers move seems to be paying the dividends, though, and with Dallas star Dirk Nowitski suffering a season-ending injury yesterday, they might not even make the playoffs. But the real excitement is in the NCAA Men's Tourney - the classic March Madness. Even if you know nothing about the teams, you can enjoy watching teams play for nothing more than the enjoyment. The upsets were plenty in the first two rounds (Duke sucks!), but with today as an travel day, expect some kind of order to be restored as we enter the Sweet Sixteen ... or will it?

- The King is dead ... long live the King. OK, maybe that's a bit much, but something just as unusual happened today - Tiger Woods failed to win a tourney. He placed fifth in the rain-delayed CA Championships, two strokes behind winner Geoff Ogilvy. It's the first time since Labor Day that Tiger failed to hoist the trophy - a streak of five straight PGA events (seven overall if you include 1 European tour event and 1 partial field tourney). Even in losing, Woods made a charge, regaining three strokes on the lead in the last 9 holes. The most amazing part is that when the Tour arrives at the Master in two weeks, odds are that he'll just start another streak ...

- Smell that? Pine tar ... rosin ... horse hair ... bad hot dogs. Yep - spring training is coming to an end and baseball's opening day is nearly here. Normally, as a baseball fan, this would be a great time. But I'm a Florida Marlins fan. That means watching Josh Beckett and Mike Lowell ... in Red Sox jerseys. Dontrelle Willis and Miguel Cabrera ... in Tigers jerseys. And a bunch of guys I've never heard of in Marlins unis. I understand the reasoning that drives things, but it's still frustrating to continually develop great ballplayers only to watch them blossom elsewhere. Hopefully, the new stadium will turn that around ... but I'll believe it when I see it.

Posted by MarlinNut @ 06:58 PM PST [link]

Spring Has Sprung

It's been a long winter here at the Home Office. Between site updates and a job that takes up too much of my time, sometimes I miss seeing the little signs that mark the passage of time.

In my backyard, I have my "Frank Lloyd Wright" bench, so-called because I built it in his style. I was sitting the aforementioned bench yesterday afternoon, when I noticed how much my roses had grown. Seems it was just yesterday when I was giving them their winter prune, and now they're only a couple weeks away from the first blooms of the season. Time is passing ... spring is here.

Not wanting anyone else to suffer the same fate as I, as a public service the MB wants to remind you that yesterday was, in fact, the first day of spring. Time to put away the sweaters and pull out the swimsuits. Recognizing that many of you may be more visual than verbal, we'll reinforce the message with a visit from model Fernanda Mello, who is clearly into the swing of things. You can see from the stern look on her face just how serious she is about spring. Turn off the heater ... step away from the fireplace. Time to head back outside.

The other thing you can tell about our Ms. Mello is that, unlike some of us, she didn't take the winter off from her exercise regimen. The President announced yesterday that we were all too fat, and asked each of us to commit to 30 minutes of exercise 5 days a week. I don't know about you, but my personal commitment to the fitness of the country is to try and find someone like our Weekend Eye Candy to chase around for 30 minutes a day ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 06:35 AM PST [link]

Just When You Think You've Seen It All ...

People dying from fish attacks are nothing new. From Steve Irwin's unfortunate encounter with an stingray to the many sharkbite victims, it's sad but seldom surprising. But today's death of a Michigan tourist visiting the Florida Keys is the first time I've heard of someone killed by a flying fish.

Just 10 minutes after they left the dock about 10 a.m. Thursday, the Michigan tourist's life ended with a freak encounter with a 75-pound spotted eagle ray.

The large, flat fish jumped into the air and struck the sisters who were sitting together in front of the console of a 25-foot fishing boat going about 25 mph. The rented boat was headed out Key Colony Beach Channel to the Atlantic Ocean.

Zagorski's sister survived, suffering a bad bruise. She was treated and released from Fishermen's Hospital. But Zagorski wasn't as fortunate.

''The officer on scene said she fell and maybe struck her head, too,'' said Bobby Dube, spokesman for the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission. ``There was a lot of blood on the boat.''

Investigators say they think the force of the fish likely caused her to hit her head on a metal rail on the side of the boat.

It's common to catch bat rays in most of the anchorages in SoCal, and they look very similar in size and shape to the eagle ray that caused this accident. But our bat rays are bottom dwellers, and while powerful swimmers, I've never seen one come out of the water.

I guess this is just a reminder that nature is unpredictable.

Posted by MarlinNut @ 07:15 PM PST [link]

Five Long Years

It's been five years now since the term "shock and awe" entered the lexicon of popular culture. On March 19, 2003, the first airstrikes in the invasion of Iraq commenced, first as an unsuccessful attempt to take out Saddam Hussein and his family, and then full scale surgical strikes on the infrastructure of Iraq. We all know what happened next. US, British and other allied forces invaded Iraq and rolled up the army like rolling up a carpet. Within 3 weeks, the coalition was in charge of the country and Saddam and his kids were on the run. It all looked so easy.

Five years later, Saddam and many of his henchmen are gone, most at the end of a hangman's noose. Debate continues over the legitimacy of the evidence that led to war in the first place, and American soldiers and Iraqi civilians continue to die. What's worse, there's no indication of when it will all end.

History will debate the decision to go to war, and I'll leave that fight to others. To me, it became a moot point the moment the first bomb dropped. At that point, only one thing matters: How do we end this? I was too young to appreciate the political quagmire that the Viet Nam war became, but it's clear from watching this one that our leaders have learned very little. Here, in a nutshell, is where we've gone wrong:

- War must always be the last option ... not the first. Only the most ignorant pacifist would try to deny the need for war, but even the most ardent hawk needs to understand that going to war is itself an indication of failure. Only once diplomatic efforts have failed, and force remains the only option, should war be considered - and only with the solemn understanding that people will die on both sides because of that failure.

- You cannot go to war without a plan. The lightning success of the initial invasion and the quick toppling of the government showed that our military leaders were able to map out a successful strategy for war, but the pathetic efforts that followed leaves me wondering if anyone ever planned for peace. Either the morass that followed the military victory was a complete surprise to our leaders - which would be a pathetic statement on their skills - or they consciously went in knowing that this is what would happen - and that is criminal.

- You cannot bullshit the public. We live in the Internet world, where news is available from a hundred sources at any hour of the day and every jackass with a keyboard can write his own blog (yours truly included). Hell, there are soldiers in the field who take digital video of their daily firefights and upload them for the world to see every night. To say this is a transparent war is an understatement. Yet from the beginning, the government has tried to ignore the obvious, hoping instead that a string of vapid spokesmen mouthing the half-truths of the administration would drown out what the rest of the world was seeing for themselves. At some point it should have become apparent to even the most dogmatic in the White House that no one was buying their shit any more - and yet they keep right on shoveling.

- Those who demand accountability are not unpatriotic. From Day One, there has been a call from segments of the public to end the war and bring the troops home. Some of those voices, like the screetching of Cindy Sheehan, are easily ignored. But a large number of people from a wide spectrum of political beliefs simply wanted to see the plan. They might even have accepted continued warfare if the President had only provided a clear plan and set of milestones that would represent his idea of victory. It doesn't matter what you are planning, from a military campaign to a software rollout - you need to show the milestones that represent achievement and your plan to meet those goals. But from the start, those who asked for accountability were branded as somehow unpatriotic, because by questioning the actions of the president they weren't supporting the troops. Another load of crap. You can support the troops and disagree with the mission they've been asked to perform, and questioning that mission - and those who advocate the mission - isn't just the right of every American; it's your duty. Being unwilling to address the concerns of the people who question your mission? Now that's unpatriotic ...

I could go on, but the longer I think about it, the angrier I get. It's hard to imagine that someone could waste the vast political capital that George Bush banked after 9-11, but he found a way. From a war with more contractors than soldiers, to forward bases with Pizza Huts and ESPN, to an absolute unwillingness to even consider that any of the decisions made over the last five years might - just might - be the wrong ones; this war should scare the hell out of the next couple of presidents to the point that we might not see another conflict in my lifetime.

And wouldn't that be lovely ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 09:10 PM PST [link]

That Didn't Take Long ...

Joe Francis, founder of the "Girls Gone Wild" franchise, hasn't been out of jail for a week and he's already in the news. And who's he linked with in those headlines? None other than the Spitzer Sweetie, Ashley Dupre.

Francis, who was serving time for tax evasion in Nevada, returned to his Florida base of operations at just about the same time as the whole sordid downfall of New York's governor was taking place. Not one to miss an opportunity, Francis promptly publicly offered Dupre cash to strip for the GGW cameras.

But Francis said someone had a revelation at the Tuesday morning staff meeting: Did anyone think to check the archives?

They did, he said -- and there she was.

"It'll save me a million bucks," Francis said Tuesday. "It's kind of like finding a winning lottery ticket in the cushions of your couch."

OK, show of hands of anyone who's surprised?

According to a "Girls Gone Wild" press release, Dupre visited Miami in 2003 to celebrate her 18th birthday. After fighting with a friend and getting thrown out of her hotel, Dupre found a nearby "Girls Gone Wild" bus, the company said.

She signed legal papers and spent a full week on the bus, filming seven full-length tapes that included nudity and same-sex encounters, according to the company.

"I personally ended up buying her a Greyhound bus ticket back home to North Carolina," Francis said.

What a humanitarian.

I hate to paint any group of people with the broad brush, but when I can watch many members of her generation making an ass of themselves on reality TV for money every night in an increasingly pathetic number of ways, can I really say that any of this is a surprise? After all, they've demonstrated their willingness to whore themselves out for cash - the only question at this point is how far they're willing to go. In Dupre's case, apparently the answer is all the way.

Posted by MarlinNut @ 05:51 AM PST [link]

It Ain't Easy Being Green ...

Well, I survived another St. Paddy's Day, a fact that I, as a good Irishman, look at with a mixture of amazement and shame.

Actually, I felt like I was a half-step behind all day. It started when I had to teach a class in the morning and discovered that I was without a stitch of green - a fact rubbed in my face repeatedly before noon. But that was nothing compared to my real shame - my utter inability to pour a decent Black and Tan. Now, before all my English friends jump on a Branson jet headed west to kick my ass, I understand that a Black and Tan is a British drink. The true Irish version is a half and half - and was what I was pouring. But everyone knows what a Black and Tan is - hell, a Half and Half could be anything. Once again, the curse of the Irish ...

So I got my 6-pack of Guinness and another of Harp, and I even sacrificed a teaspoon to the beer gods to replicate the slick pouring instrument used in the process. Now, I've spent my fair share on the stool side of the bar gazing longingly at the layering of a properly poured pint, but I have no experience whatsoever on the other side - and it showed. Instead of a Black and Tan, I got a ... beige. Actually, it looked a lot like root beer. The only place there was any distinct colors was in the head, and I really don't think that counts ...

It's important in life to admit one's weaknesses, so I'm doing it here. I poured a total of 12 pints, and never got close. The only good news is that they still drink just fine, thanks, so the day wasn't a total loss. Anyone out there with advice or experience is welcome to try and straighten me out.

Posted by MarlinNut @ 08:13 PM PST [link]

Sports Rant

An eclectic weekend of sports leads to some eclectic rants ...

- Imagine that you're a professional golfer. You're one of the top 100 people in the world at what you so - something that should garner you fame and riches. At any other time, you might well find yourself compared with the greats of the game - Hogan, Nicklaus, Palmer. But there's one thing standing between you and immortality - and his name is Tiger Woods. The words just fail to completely describe the accomplishments. Just when you think that for one lone weekend, he'll come back to earth, he pulls another miracle out of the bag. This time, it was at the Arnold Palmer Classic at Bay Hill. Woods had already won this event 4 times, and was riding a streak of 4 straight PGA event wins - 6 wins in total, if you include his victories in Dubai and at the Target World Classic. But when he found himself 7 strokes off the lead at the halfway mark in the event, it was easy to count him out. Easy, yes - but what a mistake. He made all seven of those shots up on Saturday, thanks not only to his own prowess but some untimely meltdowns from those ahead of him on the leaderboard. Sunday would see a bunched field fight water and wind, and it wouldn't be decided until the last hole. Bart Bryant - whose brother Brad lost Sunday in a Senior ... er, Champions Tour playoff - posted a finishing score of 9 under par to take the clubhouse lead. As Tiger stood on the 18th tee, he knew that par meant a playoff, birdie a victory - but bogey meant a loss. He crushed a low screamer down the fairway, and approached a difficult second shot - made more difficult by a shift in the wind that for the first time all day meant the breeze was in the players' face. In spite of the tough conditions, Tiger kept his approach dry and left it around 21 feet from the hole. As several of the folks in the commentators' tower reminded us all, Tiger hadn't dropped a putt over 18 feet all week. But this is Tiger Woods, and no one thrives on the big stage like he does. He stepped up to the putt, accurately gauged 4-ft righthand break, and stroked it in for victory. All Bryant could do is smile and shrug his shoulders. He learned the lesson so many have - do not count out Eldrick. Once again, a player is denied the taste of victory. Imagine how we might think of Mickelson, Singh, Goosen and Els if only Tiger weren't on the scene ... but he is.

- The Dodgers today played what is probably their last spring training at Dodgertown's Holman Stadium, bringing to an end their over sixty year relationship with Vero Beach, Florida. Assuming construction is completed in time, the Dodgers will spend next spring sharing a new training faciltiy in Glendale, Arizona with the Chicago White Sox. Ironically, the Dodgers' manager for their last game - a 12-10 loss to the Astros - was former manager and full-time cheerleader Tommy Lasorda, who for the last week guided the half of the team that remained in Florida as Joe Torre and the rest of the squad travelled to China. Lasorda was the last man off the field, and was greeted at the outfield gate by all his players, who honored him with an impromptu 21-bat salute. It's sad to a long tradition end, but this move just makes too much sense for the Dodgers. Spring training has changed much in the last 50 years, and the larger stadium (13,000 versus 7,000 seats) and proximity to Los Angeles will mean increased revenue. There's talk that the Orioles may move into the old Dodgertown, but what do they call it - Ripkenville?

- I'm a huge motorsports fan. I sat in the stands at the 1970 - and 1971 - California 500 at Ontario Motor Speedway, and spent most of the '80s watching cars tear up the esses towards Turn 6 at Riverside International Raceway. I have literally hundreds of races on videotape. That said, I think I'd rather sit in my back yard and watch the grass grow rather than sit through a NASCAR race. It wasn't always that way - NASCAR used to be the home of the unique characters in motorsports. But somewhere along the way, the money moved in and polished up all of stock car racing's jagged edges. All the color that made the sport interesting is gone, replaced by a sea of rolling billboards. Now I understand that there's a lot of money in NASCAR, and that the sponsors paying that money need their drivers to be intelligent spokesmen for the product. But it is the quality of the racing product that pays the price. It's not like it's hard - that's why so many people from other series come to NASCAR, while no one tries to reverse the trend. But if you reduce the sport to nothing more than a parade of featureless cars and drivers, what do you have? Does your sponsor get his money's worth if no one is watching?

- Jeff Conine, "Mr. Marlin", is retiring this year after 17 big league seasons. An original member of the Florida Marlins and part of both the 1997 and 2003 World Championship squads, Conine also played for the Royals, Orioles, Phillies, Reds and Mets. But it is as a Marlin that he is best remembered, and it is as a Marlin that he will retire. Conine will sign a one-day contract with the Fish on March 23 and retire. I'm not a big fan of that practice, but in this case, I have to make an exception. For a franchise with few familiar faces, Conine was always a fan favorite. Many were shocked when he was cast off as part of the player purge in the wake of the first championship, but he returned for the stretch run in 2003 and was a spark that pushed the squad to success. He probably won't get his number retired, since he wore different ones during his two stints with the team, but for the true Marlins fan, he'll never be forgotten.

Posted by MarlinNut @ 07:27 PM PST [link]

And In The Role Of Weekend Eye Candy, Miss Ashley Dupre ...

Here at the Home Office, the SCMO staff works long and hard (insert giggle here) to find just the right girl to serve as our weekend eye candy. We feel we have a sacred obligation to you, our loyal visitors, to find only the best of the best to get you through the long weekend. Plus, it's easily the most popular day of the MarlinBlog week, and we want to keep up the traffic.

Some weeks it can be very hard to find someone who is both visually appealing and topically relevant. This, of course, isn't one of those times. Unless you've been living under a rock, you know there's only one person who could possibly serve as our queen for the weekend - Ashley Dupre, the mysterious callgirl "Kristen" whose dalliances - at $5,000 a "pop" (insert another giggle) with New York governor Eliot Spitzer led to his resignation earlier this week. Now, I don't know if she's worth 5K a night, but I wouldn't be embarrassed to be seen with her. But Ashley - those glasses scream "Jersey Girl" ...

I'm sure it's been an interesting week for Ms Dupre, and equally interesting to watch how the news cycle enveloped her and made her as much a part of the story as the governor himself. Part of that I'm sure is the whole "Pretty Woman" parallel people want to draw - young, attractive woman; tough upbringing; doin' what she's gotta do to get by ... she must be another "hooker with a heart of gold" just like Julia Roberts was! Frankly, we have no real idea, since our only insight into Ashley has been her MySpace page. The evolution of that page, from simple front for a burgeoning music career to the fifth-most searched topic on Google, is almost as interesting as the main story itself.

It remains to be seen if we'll even remember the name Ashley Dupre in a month. Will she be like Donna Rice, Gary Hart's mistress who is little more than the answer to a trivia question? Or will she thrive like Vanessa Williams, the disgraced Miss America who overcame the scrutiny to have a successful career as a singer and actress. Only time ... and the media ... will tell ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 06:12 AM PST [link]

And You Thought Your Wait Was Long ...

We've all had the experience of having to wait to use a toilet, usually at the most inopportune time. It's an experience that's magnified as the number of family members goes up, and the number of bathrooms goes down. Recently, a story came out about a guy with just such a problem - with a really strange twist.

A 36-yr-old man in Ness City, Kansas, found his girlfriend in the bathroom. Not an unusual case, until she decided she didn't want to come out - for two years. She was sitting on the commode for so long, she was permanently affixed to the seat.

"We pried the toilet seat off with a pry bar and the seat went with her to the hospital," Whipple said. "The hospital removed it."

Whipple said investigators planned to present their report Wednesday to the county attorney, who will determine whether any charges should be filed against the woman's 36-year-old boyfriend.

"She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body," Whipple said. "It is hard to imagine. ... I still have a hard time imagining it myself."

He told investigators he brought his girlfriend food and water, and asked her every day to come out of the bathroom.

"And her reply would be, `Maybe tomorrow,'" Whipple said. "According to him, she did not want to leave the bathroom."

The boyfriend called police on Feb. 27 to report that "there was something wrong with his girlfriend," Whipple said, adding that he never explained why it took him two years to call.

Police found the clothed woman sitting on the toilet, her sweat pants down to her mid-thigh. She was "somewhat disoriented," and her legs looked like they had atrophied, Whipple said.

"She said that she didn't need any help, that she was OK and did not want to leave," he said.

She was reported in fair condition at a hospital in Wichita, about 150 miles southeast of Ness City. Whipple said she has refused to cooperate with medical providers or law enforcement investigators.

As you might imagine, investigators want to know just why she wouldn't come out, and why it took the boyfriend so long to summon help.

I've heard of people who serve as addition enablers for their relationship partners, but this one is beyond me. Obviously, there a little mental illness at work here ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 08:53 PM PST [link]

A Whole New Angle To "Ginger Versus Mary Ann"

C'mon, if you're a guy, you've played the game. Which of the "Gilligan's Island" castaways would you want - Ginger or Mary Ann? Hollywood glam or country cutie? You know you've done it ...

The three-hour cruise ended decades ago for the castaways, and most of them faded into a post-Gilligan anonymity. For Dawn Wells, the Reno-born actress who played Mary Ann Summers, it meant escaping the LA scene for rural Idaho. She started a film festival there, and, save the occasional TV appearance (usually reprising her most famous role), she's lead a quiet life.

Until now. Turns out the now-69 years old Wells just might be a pothead. She was arrested last October after being pulled over for weaving. When the cops searched the car, they found several partially smoked joints, among other things. She had a story about being castaway for years ... er, picking up three hitchhikers who promptly lit up, but apparently it didn't work - she did 5 days in the slammer back in February and is currently on probation.

Who knew? If I was going to bet either of them would need rehab, my money would have been on Ginger - the Paris Hilton of her day. But all you have to do is look at the mug shot ... she's baked!!

Another childhood illusion destroyed ....

Posted by MarlinNut @ 01:25 PM PST [link]

Thud!

That sound you just heard was that of the corpse of soon-to-be-former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's political career slamming into the pavement. Earlier today, he effectively tossed that career off the roof, opting to resign his office in the wake of a brewing scandal in which he is listed as a frequent client of a high-dollar prostitution ring.

Spitzer, who rode to power on the back of a strong law-and-order platform, at least stepped up and faced his issues.

"Over the course of my public life, I have insisted -- I believe correctly -- that people, regardless of their position or power, take responsibility for their conduct. I can and will ask no less of myself."

Of course, you could successfully argue that he had no real choice. When you stand on a soapbox and make as many enemies as he has, chasing the very criminals he's now become, you're not going to get a lot of sympathy.

We may never know what drove Spitzer to his downfall, whether bad judgement or addiction or arrogance, but he's done the only honorable thing he could do to serve the people who elected him one last time. The lieutenant governor will be sworn in on Monday, and the business of the state can once again move forward. Spitzer, meantime, will have put himself in a much better position to negotiate some kind of deal to at least bring the potential charges down to misdemeanor level, and will be able to pursue a resolution to his legal issues in relative anonymity.

To be sure, a cautionary tale to all those who would seek power - make no mistake, it corrupts ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 01:12 PM PST [link]

Bon Voyage, Night Hawk

It's hard to believe, but the F-117A Night Hawk - the so-called "Stealth Fighter" - is being retired. The last of the fleet is being flown home to Tonopah Test Range where they'll be placed in mothballs.

All funny angles and jagged edges, the Night Hawk represented the first generation of stealth technology and was revolutionary when it was first developed. The project dated to the 1960's, when it was first discovered that using the correct angles could deflect radar beams in a fashion that would prevent them from being returned to the source, rendering the object "invisible" to the radar. Throughout the 80's, mysterious prototypes flew around the Nevada skies at night, leading to many of the Area 51 UFO "sightings". The wraps finally came off the Stealth Fighter in 1989 when the plane was used for precision bombing during the capture of Panamanian leader Manuel Noriega. The plane's legend was forged over the skies of Bagdad in 1991, when it flew with impunity through some of the most heavily defended skies on the planet to deliver precision munitions.

Only one Night Hawk was ever lost in action, over Serbia in 1999. That incident shows in some ways the dangers of relying on technology over common sense. The Serbs couldn't track the F-117 on radar, but they found that they could get an occasional blip using a very long frequency beam. Comparing those blips to ground sightings, they discovered that the American pilots had become so confident in the relative invisibility of the Night Hawk that they had lapsed into using the same paths to approach targets. The Serbs set up their anti aircraft weapons along those paths and waited until a pair of planes came into sight before firing. They were able to destroy one fighter and badly damage the other. Goes to show you what happens when you get a little too arrogant ...

The Night Hawk's replacement is the F-22 Raptor, which like all new fighters leverages the stealth technology of the F-117 and B-2 and takes it to a whole new level. No matter how successful it becomes, it's hard to believe it'll ever achieve the legacy of the original "stealth fighter", the F-117A Night Hawk.

Posted by MarlinNut @ 11:00 AM PST [link]

The High And Mighty Fall

When a tree falls alone in the forest, it might not make a sound, but when a law and order politician gets caught hiring hookers, he hits the ground with a loud thud. New York Governor Eliot Spitzer - who rode into office with nearly 70% of the vote based on his "tough on all crime" stance as Attorney General - is widely expected to resign his office today after it was revealed that he'd been using a high-priced call girl service and may have been laundering money for the ring as well.

This is the same guy who made a name for himself by taking on all criminal comers as Attorney General, putting himself on the national stage as the future of the Democratic party. His first act as governor was to enact tough new ethics standards - ones which he himself has run afoul of in his first year in office. But nothing prepared the citizens of New York for the bombshell announcement yesterday that Spitzer is "Client #9" in the FBI's investigation of the Emperor's Club prostitution ring.

(Quick aside here - how funny is it when something so obviously non-regal takes a name like the "Emperor's Club" - as if somehow it could cloak itself in the image. Reminds me of a seedy strip joint here in LA that I visited in my younger days. "King Henry the Eighth's" tried hard - with just as little success - to convince you that somehow it was better - more royal - than the others. It wasn't. However, if you held your ticket up just right, the girls would validate your parking in a most unusual fashion. Talent indeed. But I digress ...)

Supposedly, it's the money trail that led the feds from a prostitute named Kristy to Spitzer and their liason in Washington, DC. Prostitution charges are bad enough politically, but money crimes tend to get you federal time. In any case, it's the end of the political road for Spitzer.

An interesting side note to this case is the fact that the Lieutenant Governor of New York, David Paterson, is black - which would make him the first African-American governor of New York, and only the fourth black governor in American History. But that's not even what makes his case unique - he's legally blind, having been born with optic atrophy.

A blind governor ... a woman or mixed race president. We live in interesting political times, indeed!

Posted by MarlinNut @ 07:42 AM PST [link]

Here Comes The Other Shoe

Following the receipt of a Air Force debrief, Boeing announced this evening that they will file a formal protest with the Government Accounting Office requesting a review of the decision to award the replacement tanker deal to the Northrop Grumman / EADS team.

"Our team has taken a very close look at the tanker decision and found serious flaws in the process that we believe warrant appeal," said Jim McNerney, Boeing chairman, president and chief executive officer. "This is an extraordinary step rarely taken by our company, and one we take very seriously."

"Based upon what we have seen, we continue to believe we submitted the most capable, lowest risk, lowest Most Probable Life Cycle Cost airplane as measured against the Air Force's Request for Proposal," McNerney said. "We look forward to the GAO's review of the decision."

No real surprise here. Whether for show or representative of genuine surprise at the decision, this is the first step in what is doubtless going to be a protracted legal battle.

If you're a concrete merchant in Alabama hoping to get in on that new EADS facility, I'd hold off on stocking up on inventory just yet ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 08:44 PM PST [link]

"Snip City" Indeed ...

Looking for that perfect excuse to park it on the couch during the upcoming NCAA Men's Basketball tourney, otherwise known as "March Madness"? How about "I'm recovering from a vasectomy"?

The Oregon Urology Institute is running radio ads promoting the convenient timing of the tourney and the amount of recovery time associated with the typical vasectomy, usually 2 to 4 days.

"When March Madness approaches you need an excuse ... to stay at home in front of the big screen," the clinic's radio ad says. "Get your vasectomy at Oregon Urology Institute the day before the tournament starts. It's snip city."

The local station running the ads is trying to deal by providing a home care of pizza and frozen peas. Not creative enough to understand the purpose of the peas?

"The frozen peas are malleable enough that you can get them right in there and get the swelling down."

Think I'll stick with the usual "I'm not feeling well" ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 05:54 PM PST [link]

Racing Into The Weekend Eye Candy

I made a statement a while back about how it appeared that, in her photoshoot in the new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, Indycar driver Danica Patrick might be "rounding out" her suit a little more than before. It would appear that no topic here at the MarlinBlog generates more interest - or more email - than my taste in women, and I got it with both barrels for that statement.

Now in fairness, all I said was that she seemed to be getting a big butt - and not that it was an unattractive one. But, just to demonstrate that I have no hard feelings towards either our visitors nor Ms. Patrick's butt, we're happy to have Danica as our Weekend Eye Candy. This particular shot is from the "behind the scenes" selection of pictures - you can tell because they didn't airbrush out her tattoo. Butt or no butt - she can peel off that driver's suit for me any time she'd like.

Beyond the aforementioned controversy and her obvious qualification for the job, there's another good reason Danica graces the site today. It was recently announced that after a decade and a half of fighting, the two American open wheel racing series - ChampCar and the Indy Racing League - finally agreed to merge back into a single series. This destructive competition began in the mid-90's when Indianapolis Speedway president Tony George decided he wanted more power in the old CART series, which was at that time dominated by team owners. His breakaway IRL has slow, boring cars and backmarker drivers - but it also had Indy. That, in the end, was the defining piece of the puzzle, and ultimately gave George the leverage he needed. By the time the war ended, ChampCar - the successor to CART - was a shell of itself, and the IRL far less popular than CART had been before it. The ChampCar teams will transition over to IRL - and unfortunately leave behind the much more powerful, much more interesting Dallara race cars - and several CC races, including the Long Beach Grand Prix, will become IRL events. No one involved in these fights ever wins, of course, but in this case there was a clear victor - NASCAR. While the open wheel racers were battling it out off the track, the sponsors, tracks, and even many of the drivers discovered stock car racing. NASCAR's popularity skyrocketed while the Indy Car interest plummeted. This merger will help stop the bleeding, but it may be too late to save the patient.

Stay tuned ...

UPDATE: Demonstrating the level of concern we have for the rare visitor who takes the time to comment on our rants, here's the answer to the "what's Danica's tattoo?" question - it's an American flag flanked with a field of stars. Not sure the meaning, but I know she's had it at least since she was racing in the lower formulas in Europe - probably 7 or 8 years back.

Posted by MarlinNut @ 05:42 AM PST [link]

It's Fred Hall Time!

Fishing in SoCal is a year-round affair. It doesn't matter how cold or nasty the weather gets, it's still pretty tame compared to many places, and there's always something out there to catch. But for those of us who favor the pelagic tropical species, fishing becomes more seasonal. We head out in May and June in search of tunas, followed by the swordfish in July and a (hopefully) long fall of marlin. The rest of the year is spent rehashing the past season or preparing for the upcoming one.

For as long as I can remember, the Fred Hall Fishing Tackle and Boat Show has always marked the dividing line between the old and new. All winter long, I've been rethinking last season - and it was a miserable failure - and basically looking backwards. The Hall Show has always been the trigger to realize spring was almost here - and with it a new season. They've been doing the show longer than I've been alive, and I'll bet I've been to most of them since my birth. Heck, I can remember my dad dragging me down the aisle as a kid when all I was interested in was the cotton candy ...

My interests have expanded since then, and I always look forward to the opportunity to tramp the halls of the Hall. Timing is key, since there are some times when you can't get from one booth to the next without a chair and whip. I always try to time it so I'm there during a lull in the action, since it means more time to stop and swap stories with the many folks I'll know there. But it's a crapshoot at best.

It looks now like I'll be there tomorrow afternoon / evening after work. I hope to hook up with the usual SCMO suspects - Hoose, Brackmann, Stotes - but I'll have my eye out for the rest of you. If you see me, be sure to grab me and say "hi" ... I'll be easy to spot in the SCMO gear ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 10:25 AM PST [link]

The Curse Of "Road House"?

It was just last Monday we reported the passing of musician Jeff Healey, who had a memorable role in the movie "Road House". Now comes word that the film's star, actor Patrick Swayze, is battling pancreatic cancer.

Man - that's bad news. There's no such thing as a "good" cancer, but this is a particularly nasty one. It's the one that got Michael Landon and Luciano Pavarotti, and only has a 5% survival rate over five years. The good news is that his doctors say it was caught early and he is responding well to treatment. But the National Enquirer (yes, I know - hardly a reliable source) claims he has only 5 weeks to live. I suspect the truth lies somewhere in between.

The Home Office staff send their prayers to Patrick and his family during this difficult time. Dalton - it's time to stop being nice and round kick this cancer back to hell.

Posted by MarlinNut @ 10:06 AM PST [link]

We Need More Women Like This

It's a fact of life - some men score better with women than others. As one of those "others", I can vouch for this. It doesn't matter if it's an attractive coworker or the girl pouring my drink, whatever witty pickup line I might have is inevitably drowned out in my mind by the lyrics to Rick Springfield's "How Do You Talk To Girls" - "... I get confused by their bodies ... I get tangled in their curls ..."

But enough about me. Turns out there might be help on the horizon for every man who ever tripped over his own tongue asking for a phone number. Supermodel Karolina Kurkova has seen the problem, and has the solution - she makes the first move!

Kurkova says she'll approach a man if he seems too nervous to do it himself. "They want to, but they don't know how," Kurkova said. "I sometimes make the move, and then they're getting red, and they'll start sweating, and they're like, 'Uh.' They forget their names. I just think it's very sweet."

The 24-year-old Czech beauty realizes she can be intimidating. "I guess sometimes when you're wearing 12-inch heels and you have your hair down and you have a beautiful dress on, it doesn't help," she said. "But I always try just to be like, 'It's okay. Don't worry. I'm still normal. I'm human. I'm like any other girl.'"

Any other girl? Whodathunkit? Now if we cold just get this revolutionary concept to other members of the female population ... and you know who who are ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 01:25 PM PST [link]

Hanging 'Em Up

If ever there were a professional football player in my lifetime who had a can't-miss invite to the Hall of Fame waiting for him upon his retirement, it's Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre. The only question - and one that's been pondered for each of the last few offseasons - was "when will he retire?" Well, the answer turns out to be now, as Favre announced his retirement yesterday afternoon.

If you never saw Favre play then I feel sorry for you, because there will never be another like him. Born with a gunslinger's mentality and a catburglar's nerve, Favre played 17 seasons, most for the Packers. His play was always spectacular - good or bad - and his longevity legendary. He leaves the league with a ton of records - most yards, most TDs, most completions ... most interceptions - to go with 1 Super Bowl ring (1996) and three MVP awards.

Perhaps most memorable about Favre will be his toughness. His retirement will end a consecutive starts streak of 275 games (counting playoffs), that stretches back to 1992. Even if someone finds a way to break his other records, this one is definitely safe.

The last few seasons have ended with speculation that Favre's retirement was emminent, and his so-so play had led some to think he'd lost his edge. But Brett seemed revitalized by the young players surrounding him in 2007, and responded with one of his best seasons, leading the Packers to an overtime loss to the Giants in the NFC Conference title game. In the end, though, it was the realization that anything less would feel unsatisfying that resulted in the decision announced yesterday.

Brett Favre was a football warrior, a throw-back to a time gone by. Others will emulate the style or the bravado, but none will repeat the success, nor garner the affection, found by Brett Favre in his NFL career.

Good luck, Brett - see you in Canton.

Posted by MarlinNut @ 01:10 PM PST [link]

Taking Away All The Fun ...

Life these days is pretty stressful. Elections, war, poverty, famine, disease, steroids ... thank God there are still the simple pleasures of life to get you through the day. Things like catching a snowflake on the tip of your tongue ... or not.

Turns that flake may not be as pure as you think, as the nucleator, or seed around which the water formed, is most likely a bacteria ...

"Bacteria are by far the most active ice nuclei in nature," said Brent C. Christner, an assistant professor of biological sciences at Louisiana State University.

Christner and colleagues sampled snow from Antarctica, France, Montana and the Yukon and they report their findings in Friday's edition of the journal Science.

In some samples as much as 85 percent of the nuclei were bacteria, Christner said in a telephone interview. The bacteria was most common in France, followed by Montana and the Yukon, and was even present to a lesser degree in Antarctica.

The most common bacteria found was Pseudomonas syringae, which can cause disease in several types of plants including tomatoes and beans.

In an interesting twist, killed bacteria are actually being used by some ski resorts to increase the effectiveness of their snowblowing equipment.

It's enough to make you think that yellow snow might not be yellow for the reason you always thought ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 01:07 PM PST [link]

Coming Out Swinging

I don't normally get into corporate politics here at the MB, and I'm not going to make a habit of it. But we did talk yesterday about the Air Force's decision regarding the new tanker contract, and my thoughts on it. So I thought it appropriate to share the press release from Boeing about the decision:

Boeing Requests Immediate KC-X Tanker Briefing

ST. LOUIS, March 4, 2008 - The Boeing Company [NYSE: BA] today made public a request for an immediate debriefing from U.S. Air Force officials on the KC-X tanker competition.

As of today, the company has yet to receive a briefing on why it was not selected for the KC-X program, a decision the Air Force announced February 29. The Air Force has indicated that the briefing would occur on or after March 12, a delay the company says is inconsistent with well-established procurement practices.

"A delay of this length in the formal debriefing is unusual," said Mark McGraw, vice president - 767 tanker programs. "Consistent with past practice and recent experience, we would expect this briefing to occur within days, not weeks, of the selection announcement. Given that we are already seeing press reports containing detailed competitive information, we feel that our request is more than fair and reasonable."

Boeing viewed the tanker competition as a priority and an opportunity to give the Air Force the best tanker to meet its requirements. The company based its proposal on the stated criteria in the Air Force's Request For Proposal (RFP), the formal document that defined the requirements for the air tanker system.

"We bid aggressively with specific focus on providing operational tanker capability at low risk and the lowest total life cycle cost," said McGraw. "For instance, based on values disclosed in the Air Force press conference and press release, the Boeing bid, comprising development and all production airplane costs, would appear to be less than the competitor. In addition, because of the lower fuel burn of the 767, we can only assume our offering was more cost effective from a life cycle standpoint.

"Initial reports have also indicated that we were judged the higher risk offering. Boeing is a single, integrated company with its assets, people and technology under its own management control - with 75 years of unmatched experience building tankers. Northrop and EADS are two companies that will be working together for the first time on a tanker, on an airplane they've never built before, under multiple management structures, across cultural, language and geographic divides. We do not understand how Boeing could be determined the higher risk offering.

"Initial reports also indicate there may well have been factors beyond those stated in the RFP, or weighted differently than we understood they would be, used to make the decision. It's important for us to understand how the Air Force reached their conclusion. The questions we are asking, as well as others being raised about this decision, can best be answered with a timely debrief indicating how our proposal was graded against the stated requirements of the RFP," said McGraw.

Of course, equal time will be made available for an appropriate response from Northrop Grumman / EADS ... .

Got a hunch this one will be a long, drawn-out affair ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 10:29 AM PST [link]

RIP Jeff Healey

If you have your first fight with cancer before your first birthday, you know you're probably in for a short, difficult life. Sometimes, though, you rise above the fight and achieve far beyond expectation.

Such was the case for singer/guitarist Jeff Healey, who died today in Toronto from complications of the cancer he'd fought his entire life. Struck with retinoblatoma as infant, Healey lost the use of his eyes. But that didn't stop him from achieving his dreams as a stellar guitarist. Forced to develop his own style, Healey learned to play the guitar laid flat across his lap, similar to a pedal steel. The unique positioning created a sound unique to Healey. He jammed with some of the best early in his life, and led the Jeff Healey Band to a string of hits in the late '80s. You may remember the JHB as the Double Deuce house band in the Patrick Swayze ass-kicking flick "Road House".

I loved Healey's music, which reminded me of Robin Trower at his peak. He moved from rock to jazz and was just returning to his rock roots at the time of his death - his new album is just about to be released. I'm predicting a big seller.

Healey, 41, is survived by his wife and two children.

Posted by MarlinNut @ 05:37 PM PST [link]

Bad Day For Boeing - And America

In a decision considered by most to be a significant upset, the Air Force on Friday awarded a $40 billion contract to Northrop Grumman and their partner, Airbus parent corporation EADS, to build the new fleet of tanker aircraft. The award was a blow to Boeing, which was presumed to be the winning contractor - right up to the point of the announcement.

Now I should state for the record that I am both a Boeing employee and shareholder, so the decision could have some effect on me. But I'm far enough away from the tanker part of the company - and small enough of a shareholder - that I don't think it's coloring my opinion.

The loss is a huge one for Boeing, who built the existing tankers and was expected to build the replacements almost by default. But Boeing made mistakes along the way - most notably, the improper hiring of a Pentagon procurement executive tied to an earlier tanker deal. Boeing may - and I stress that I have no idea if this is true - have used the assumption of success to justify not sharpening the pencil quite as much as they might have on the contract.

To the credit of the NG/EADS entry, it beats the Boeing plane in several ways. It holds more fuel and can carry more passengers, and is based on a more modern commercial airliner (Airbus A330 versus Boeing 767). But EADS also several years back hired the NG executive who led the tanker group (it's currently run by the guy who was his deputy), and has spent significantly to bolster their reputation in Washington (read: lobbyists). So they did their part to win hearts and minds as well. As one article put it, "I guess all those Christmas parties finally paid off."

Here's my biggest beef with the deal: You keep hearing people talk about the need to buy American. In an increasingly global economy, the US is getting it's ass handed to it around the world by competitors who are hungrier - literally and figuratively - than we are. I understand if American Airlines decides to buy Airbus - I don't like it, but I understand it - because at the end of the day, they are beholden to their stockholders. But the stockholders of the Air Force are the US taxpayers, and I think most of them would understand - and probably expect - the Air Force choosing Boeing over Airbus even if it meant getting a little less or paying a little more.

Without sounding like some kind of conspiracy theorist, there's a reason that countries have borders, and sometimes those borders need defending. I'm not saying that war is in the offing with England, France or Germany, but if it happened, would you really want your warfighter using tools designed, built and supported by the other side? Ask the Iranians how that worked out when they needed spare parts for those F-14s we sold the Shah ...

One additional ramification of this deal will be the creation of a new EADS factory in Alabama to perform final assembly of the tankers. Of course, we all know that they'll be building Airbuses there as well - if not not, certainly in the near future. Once that starts, we're going to see what it's like to be on the receiving end of the global economy instead of the giving end ... and don't plan on getting any lube.

A huge win for EADS, a big hit for Boeing - and the landscape is forever changed.

Posted by MarlinNut @ 07:55 AM PST [link]