Get You Through The Week Eye Candy

So, the good news (at least for me) is that I'm headed out for 4 days of marlin fishing starting this afternoon. The bad news is that means no new posts until next Monday (I refuse to post from the BlackBerry while on the water - you have to draw the line somewhere). Now, I could just leave it at that, but that would mean no Weekend Eye Candy, and I'm still stinging from the last time I did that. So, we'll just have to set you up with something to get you through the week and the weekend.

Every once in a while, I'll stumble across a picture that is so compelling that I just have to use it. Sometimes I don't even know how I'll fit it in, but I'll hang on to it until I find a way. Same goes for the Eye Candy. While I try and be topical, witty, or some combination of the two, every once in a while I'll come across something that just demands that I use it. This is one of those times.

Frankly, I have no idea who Pernilla Lundberg is. But, fortunately, Wikipedia does:

Sunblock is an electronic music group from Sweden. The people behind the music, Magnus Nordin and Martin Pihl are often behind the scenes, with dancers Oksana Andersson, Rebecka Simonsson and Pernilla Lundberg being the focal point of the group.

The group have remixed the Baywatch official theme "I'll Be Ready" in 2006, reaching #4 in the UK Singles Chart. (It charted a week after another group Naughty Boy also remixed the same song, but their version "Phat Beach (I'll Be Ready)" only reached #36 on the same chart.)

Their second single "First Time" is a remix of the 80's hit song by Robin Beck. The original song featured on Coca Cola adverts in the 80's.

Sunblock's third single is a cover of a 1995 single by Corona called "Baby Baby" and features Sandy Chambers.

Hmm ... techno pop duo remaking Coca-Cola theme music. Safe to say they won't be making my iPod anytime soon. But, at least one of their dancers can hold her head high knowing she's hit the pinnacle of her career with the title of Weekend Eye Candy ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 06:27 AM PST [link]

I'm Goin' Fishin' ...

It always happens.

I have all winter to get myself prepared for the next SoCal marlin season. Plenty of time to rebuild tackle, rig lures, research new products, whatever. And yet, when I get the call for that first trip of the new season, I'm never ready. I still have line to wind onto reels, tackle to prepare, and a bunch of new toys I wanted to get but never got around to ordering.

The worst part, of course, is that I'm something of a lure whore. People seem to think I'm some kind of a player in the SoCal marlin game, so pretty much every week I get a box of samples from some lure manufacturer or another. Most I've never heard of, but occasionally it's from Roddy or Bart or one of the other primo lure makers. That's always a good day, but no matter who made them, they all get a fair trial. But that means I have to figure out which ones in this stack to take with me - and these are just the ones I rigged this month. I still have a whole bin to rig ...

But I don't care, because I'm goin' fishin' ... see you Monday!

Posted by MarlinNut @ 06:25 AM PST [link]

Reelin' And A-Rockin'

So I'm making a rare guest appearance in my work office and sitting through the second long teleconference of the day with folks scattered all over the country, when I feel the floor start to shake. Normally, since our is a pretty lightweight building, that means that some gorilla is sprinting to the lunch wagon. In this case, though, it kept growing and kept going ... yup - it's an earthquake. I had to tell the folks on the telecon - simultaneously with our reps in Long Beach and Huntington Beach - that I had to leave the building because of the shaking. All they wanted to know is what it felt like ...

Every part of the country faces some kind of natural disaster threat, but for some reason I think earthquakes seem to freak out people in other regions more than the rest. Maybe it's because there's no warning, or because it's totally random, but it's always the first thing I hear when I'm meeting with people and tell them I live in LA. "Oh, man - how do you deal with the earthquakes?" To be honest, compared with tornados and hurricanes, I'll take the earthquakes. Unless you live in one of those well-established epicenter regions (how ya doin', Northridge!) or live in a particularly susceptible building, all you're going to have to do is pick up a few things off the floor. Compare that to Greenburg, KS - no, thanks!

That said, I have a message for all of you who are new to SoCal since the last big earthquake: run now. Head back to New Jersey or Indiana or wherever you came from. Nothing good can come from staying in this earthquake-riddled region, and you risk life and limb by staying.

Oh, and take five of your friends along with you ...

UPDATE: The shaker's been downgraded to a 5.4 magnitude quake, technically classified as "moderate". Normally, a 5.4 wouldn't even wake me up, but this one seemed to last longer and shake stronger than your garden variety moderate quake. I suppose that's because the epicenter was closer to the urban LA basin than most of the ones we get (the famous San Andreas fault runs further east), and it was relatively close to the surface - only about 7 miles underground.

My next door neighbors moved here from Arizona about 5 years ago, and this was their first real quake. They're pretty loud, too, so I can hear them as I'm writing this excitedly describing it to relatives on the phone. $5 says they lead that eastward exodus ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 02:46 PM PST [link]

It Had To Happen

There are those things in life that seem so inevitable that you know - you just know - they'll happen at some point, and yet you dread the day. Today, I am pained to report, is one such day, as I must with heavy heart tell you that someone has suffered a serious injury while playing ... wait for it ... air guitar.

Anyone who grew up listening to Led Zeppelin and the Who knows what "air guitar" is - hell, we were playing it before it was even called anything. You feel the guitar riff deep in your soul, and it just has to explode out of your body ... in the form of an invisible Fender Stratocaster. It wasn't until the '80s that it dawned on someone that this seemingly innocent act was actually a profit opportunity waiting to be taken. First it was the book - "The Official Air Guitar Handbook (of which I will confess to having had a copy back in the day) then the video games (today's most popular game? Guitar Hero 3 - just an extension of the concept). Naturally (?) this led to the Air Guitar World Championship. Yes, there really is such a thing in 2008. The Finns hold the record for world championships, Finland being such a Mecca for rock and roll heroes and all.

Anyway, at a recent regional contest in NYC, one of the contestants decided to give her all - literally - for the competition. Taryn Kapronica is apparently something of a legend in the world of air guitar, and she was mid-performance when she caught her foot on a chair during a stage dive, tearing the skin off one toe and dislocating it.

The 27-year-old's flying feat wasn't missed by they fans as they stood in shock while the New York rocker finished her winning performance. In a Daily News interview, Kapronica said "I could feel the blood trickle down my foot and between my toes, but I refused to look down at it." The girl just kept on playing...air.

After winning the competition, she did manage to rock her way to the hospital where doctors were required to amputate her toe.

In response to having one less phalange, she told CNN:

"I've got nine more."

Fellas, this is one you want to bring home to Mother. The life forms behind me ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 06:17 AM PST [link]

Why Celebrities Have Stylists

Celebrity stylists are among the best-paid of the many folks that work behind the scenes in Hollywood. Tasked with making celebrities look like, well ... celebrities, some are so good that they become celebrities themselves. They're definitely high on the list of people who make the magic work in Tinseltown.

Here's a good example of what I mean. I don't mean to pick on ... once again ... Britney Spears, who has actually seemed to get her act together over the last few months, but it's such a great visual I just have to use it.

On the left is the lovely Miss Spears last week at an evening event. She's got the nice dress, the nice bottle tan, the nice hair extension - everything the public expects. On the right is the same girl the very next morning headed out for the first frappachino of the day. Everything she was the night before, she isn't any more. The hair's gone, the contacts are gone, the tan's gone - and the zits are back. Pretty dramatic - and a testimony to the skills of whomever styled her for the event.

Of course, I'm sure the stylist knows nothing about the mysterious white substance drizzling down the left side of her black dress. Some things you just can't style away, I guess ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 05:36 PM PST [link]

Son Of Sports Rant

If you couldn't find something interesting in this weekend's sports lineup, you just don't get sports ...

- Hard to believe, but the Tour de France peleton rolled across the cobblestones in Paris Sunday for the third time since Lance Armstrong retired. Despite the controversy, there is no greater sight in sport - and probably no greater thrill for a sportsman. In the maillot jaune at the finish was Spaniard Carlos Sastre of Team CSC Saxo Bank, who won the event with a bold climb up L'Alpe d'Huez on Wednesday, then cemented it with a strong ride in the time trial on Saturday. Last year's runner up, Cadel Evans, had to settle for second once again, having failed in his attempt to run down Sastre in the time trial. The leading American, Christian Vandevelde of Team Garmin Chipotle, placed sixth. Unfortunately, the end was marred by yet another rider caught doping, as Dmitry Fofonov joins Riccardo Ricco, Manuel Beltran and Moises Duenas Nevado in disgrace. Every year, we hear the organizers say they've stopped the doping problem, and every year we see that the dopers are smarter than the testers - or at least think they are. But nothing can mar the beauty of the event.

- What would happen if a car race was scheduled and a parade broke out instead? That's exactly what happened yesterday at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway with the running of the Brickyard ... er, Allstate at the Brickyard ... 400. Because of tire wear issues, and the concern for driver safety, NASCAR officials said that they'd throw a "competition yellow" - a preplanned caution period - 10 laps into the race to evaluate the tires. They didn't like what they saw, so they threw another - and another. In the end, the longest green-flag period during the 160 lap event was only 12 laps. Several cars still had tire failures - most notably Matt Kenseth, who had an exploding right rear tire tear off the corner of the car. Jimmie Johnson ended up with the win only because his pit crew got him back out first during the final caution with 6 laps to go. A pretty pathetic spectacle for the home of the greatest race. IMS really needs to look into why the track is so hard on tires - recall that the 2004 US Grand Prix Formula One race was marred by similar issues.

- The boys and girls of the AVP made one of their periodic visits to SoCal this weekend, playing next to the Downtown Shoreline Marina in Long Beach. This and next week's event in San Diego are the last ones before the tour takes a break to let their leading teams head to Bejing for the Olympics. Defending gold medalists Misty May-Trainor and Kerri Walsh held true to form, taking out Boss/Ross in the finals, but Men's #1 Todd Rogers and Phil Dalhausser were soundly thumped by Jake Gibb and Sean Rosenthal 21-14, 21-14. After the match, Rogers indicated they might skip next week to get some rest before heading to China, but I'd hate to go out on such a sour note. As for May/Walsh, you might as well start engraving those gold medals now.

- It was impressive to watch Rich "Goose" Gossage stand at the podium yesterday during his induction speech to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Thirty years removed his heyday of 1978, there's a little more grey in the Fu Manchu and a lot less hair on the head, but he looks just as intimidating. The guys who should really be intimidated are those closers today who think they can compare favorably with the Goose. While it's great to see the men who defined the closer role getting their due, today's closer bears little resemblance. Guys like Goose, Lee Smith and Rollie Fingers were workhorses who carried the load for their teams - not the fragile, spoiled shells that pass for a reliever today. In 1978, Goose had 27 saves and nearly 135 innings pitches. That tells you that either he pitched in a lot of non-save situations or had a lot of multi-inning saves - and the answer is probably both. Compare that to today's hot reliever, Frankie Rodriguez of the Angels. There's a lot of talk that K-Rod will break the single season save record, and he has 43 saves already this year - but only 46 1/3 innings pitched. Talk about your show pony. The other night, he recorded a one-pitch save - he ought to be ashamed to accept the save. But I'm sure he still pounded his chest, pumped his fist and pointed to the sky. That's fine, but just don't pull that crap in the Goose's presence, 'cause you're not even in the same class.

Posted by MarlinNut @ 10:06 AM PST [link]

Now, That's Self-Control ...

This week, our Weekend Eye Candy isn't so much about the girl herself as much as the reaction to the girl. Allow me to explain.

Last Saturday night, the Bow Wow WOW fundraiser was held at the famed Playboy Mansion. The event benefited the Much Love Animal Rescue group, and one of Hef's girlfriends was among the evening's honorees. Being at the mansion and all ensures you'll get a pretty good turnout, especially if Hef brings a few of the employees from his day job.

Among those in attendance was Cindy Bonica, pictured here. While most of the guests were photographed holding puppies, Cindy was shot displaying her puppies - if you look close, you'll notice that she's only wearing airbrushed-on lingerie. The artist even signed his work on her, ah, flank. This being a family site and all, I'm pretty limited in what angles I can show; however, if you doubt the validity of the paint only claim, you can get your proof here.

Anyway, while Cindy is technically our Weekend Eye Candy, I think the real winner is the guy she's talking to. I don't know about you, but I find it damned hard to talk to a fully clothed woman without my eyes at least wandering. But this guy is talking with our Eye Candy - essentially butt-naked - and is looking her straight in the eyes. They must be very pretty eyes ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 08:45 AM PST [link]

I Wish I Could Have Known Him

We all - well, most of us, at least - have those things about themselves that we wish we could change. Some, like a thinning hairline or undersized breasts, can be surgically altered. Others, like an annoying laugh, are a little tougher to change.

I have always been a glass half-empty kind of guy. No matter how hard I try, I always see the down side of a situation, and it's cost me in life. It's not the only reason, but it's a contributing factor to why I'm single instead of married, have an average job instead of an extraordinary one, and own a mediocre web site instead of a successful one. It's seldom for lack of skills or opportunity, but my own flawed vision gets in the way.

They say that a positive mental outlook is a real asset when facing medical challenges. I've been fortunate enough to have never needed to find out (knock on wood), but I've always wondered how I'd face it - would it be a life-altering experience that would help me turn around my negative vision, or would I simply fold up my tent and die. I fear it would be the latter.

Then there are those whose battle - and their positive approach to insurmountable odds - can and should inspire us. Ryan Whilte, the young AIDS patient who helped the world understand that it wasn't just a gay thing; Lance Armstrong, whose incredible return from the brink continues to be written; most recently, Tony Snow, who stared down cancer with a smile even as it drained away his life.

I regret that it took his death for me to hear the story of Randy Pausch. A professor of computer science, human-computer interaction and design, we could have had a great conversation of our mutual love of computer-human interaction. But as much as I could have learned from him about how to live, I could have learned much more about how to die.

Pausch was diagnosed with incurable pancreatic cancer in September of 2006, and a year later gave a "last lecture" at Carnegie Mellon University that made his a media sensation. YouTube, Oprah, The Wall Street Journal - everyone was touched by his approach to life ... and death.

"If I don't seem as depressed or morose as I should be, sorry to disappoint you," Pausch said.

"I mean I don't know how to not have fun. I'm dying and I'm having fun. And I'm going to keep having fun every day I have left. Because there's no other way to play it," he said in his Carnegie Mellon lecture. "You just have to decide if you're a Tigger or an Eeyore. I think I'm clear where I stand on the great Tigger/Eeyore debate. Never lose the childlike wonder. It's just too important. It's what drives us."

The inevitable caught up with Randy Pausch this morning, as he died at his home in Virginia. It's indicative of the man that he had recently moved there to be nearer to his wife's parents - understanding the support his family would need after his passing.

When I read stories like Randy's, I am embarassed to tears for the way I manage my own life. I can only hope that in his passing, I can learn and improve. Needless to say, I've already ordered his book this morning.

Randy Pausch was 47 years old. He leaves behind a wife and three children, along with a legion of inspired fans - including this author.

Posted by MarlinNut @ 07:00 AM PST [link]

Just Another Boring Tuna Trip

Around this time of year, a lot of boats are making the run fifty or more miles south of the Mexican border in search of tuna. It's a challenging trip, but one that can be made successfully - if nothing goes wrong. When it does, you quickly realize just how far you are from home.

Many years ago, HOOKER was on just such a trip when we had an engine room fire at 3AM. The boat was saved, but the engines were disabled and we were stranded - well south of the border. You're in international waters, but off the Mexican coast, and they control the seas down there. The nearest help is the Mexican Navy, but you may not want to pay the price you'll have to pay, if you know what I mean.

SENOR HEFE, a 48-ft sportfisher, was one of those boats making the run south last Friday. Heading south at 12 kts towards the 295, at 3:30AM the crew was jarred awake by the sound of a crash. Once daylight came, they could see they'd hit one of the tuna pens used to fatten bluefin tuna for the Japanese sushi markets. Turns out there's quite a few of these down there, although they say the collision rate is pretty small. Considering the cost to both sides, I'd hope the pens were well lit and the boat's operator paying attention to the radar, but apparently that wasn't the case.

It took nearly 12 hours and a standoff between the US Coast Guard and the Mexican Federal Navy, but eventually a gap was made in the PVC-and-net structure and the SENOR HEFE towed free. The lawyers and insurance companies are involved now, but it sounds like there was around $75K in damages to the boat and another $7000 to the tuna pens. All told, it could have been a lot worse.

There's a big thread about this incident over at another fishing site (you know which one); the argument is between those who think the crew were dumbasses for getting themselves into such a mess and those who want to celebrate the adventure. Personally, I think when you take your boat and crew on the high seas, no one is responsible for you but you. It doesn't really matter if the Koreans didn't have enough lights, or you left someone incompetent at the wheel in the middle of the night. If it's your boat, it's your responsibility, and there's not shirking it. That said, because everyone lived to tell the tale it'll make a great story over beers for years to come.

I'll admit that when I first heard this story, I was irritated to hear that the trapped anglers had been fishing inside the pen while they waited to be released. Turns out that the Korean owners of the pens wanted to keep the gringos occupied while things sorted out, and suggested they try the fishing. Good to know we're so damned predictable ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 06:59 PM PST [link]

Yeah, But Could I Get His Diet Plan Before You Fry Him?

Is dumbass contagious? I ask, because here comes our second true tale of intelligent behavior from the Lonestar State ...

They don't mess around with capital punishment down in Texas. As the aforementioned Ron White once said, "If you kill someone in Texas, we'll kill you back." So I can understand why Darryl Layne Norris, awaiting trial in Houston for the murder of a convenience store clerk, might want to find a way out of jail. He found it all right - and now he's the envy of every diet plan dropout.

Investigators believe Norris intentionally lost 30 pounds over the past three months so he could fit between the one foot wide air vent in his cell.

When Norris was arrested he weighed 160 pounds. Waller County Sheriff Randy Smith estimates Norris lost nearly 30 pounds to fit through that vent. Although Norris shared a cell with approximately five other inmates, he was the only one who escaped.

Now comes the dumbass part. Norris escaped on Saturday morning, but was recaptured last night - swimming in a Houston-area hotel swimming pool.

"We got a tip that there was a prisoner charged with murder, among other things, and we came over here and were able to find him," said Stephen Casko with the Houston Police Department.

"We found him. He walked out to the pool, got in the pool, he was taken into custody while he was in the pool," Casko said.

Run, Forrest, run ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 08:51 PM PST [link]

Stupid Is As ... Well, You Know ...

Many of us have spent a lot of days on the seas, and you tend to gain a real appreciation for the strength of the ocean. One of my earliest lessons learned as a fisherman was that you just don't take the power of nature lightly - too often, those who do pay a very high price.

It's because of those lessons, gained in a lifetime fishing offshore, that I find stories like this next one to be particularly disturbing. Earlier today, Hurricane Dolly hit land at the southern tip of Texas. When it did, it was a Category Two storm packing winds up to 110 miles per hours. And when it crossed the coastline, the crew of a charter boat were sitting onboard, waiting for it.

Steven Murphy is the 41-yr-old captain of "Murphy's Law", a 65-ft charter boat based out of South Padre Island. When everyone else fled in front of the storm, Murphy, along with his girlfriend and the captain of a sister ship, opted to stay with the boat.

"It's probably not the best decision to ride it out," said Murphy, 41, but he said he felt that he didn't have a lot of choice.

Only one shipyard in the area can pull a boat such as his out of the water, he said, and there are more boats than there are spaces, "so you pretty much have to man it."

The charter company is a family business, and Murphy has been working on boats since he was 9.

He said his brother was in a boat anchored next to Murphy's Law. He was alone because his deckhands left.

Clearly, the deckhands are smarter than the captains.

I'm not sure what irritates me more about this story - the fact that this guy, whose judgement is clearly in question, has a license that puts the lives of others in his protection while offshore, or that they spent the day giving cellphone interviews to incredulous news crews who will make him out as some kind of hero. As Ron White put it, "it isn't that the wind is blowing, it's what the wind is blowing." In this case, that included all the other boats in the harbor, which slammed into Murphy's Law, damaging but not sinking the vessel. But, much like the Skipper and Gilligan, they'll convince the world that if not for the courage of the fearless crew, the ship would have been lost. And they demonstrated about the same amount of common sense as that fictional crew, as well.

Look, I know how important a boat is to any business, especially a family-owned one like this. But as hard as it might be to replace a boat, just try replacing a brother or girlfriend. No amount of insurance forms will bring you back from the dead, my friend ...

To the other captains out there reading this: You guys are smarter than this, right? Riiiiiiight?

Posted by MarlinNut @ 08:23 PM PST [link]

Birds Do It ... Bees Do It ...

Living in the city sometimes means doing without, or trying to do with in much less space than the rest of the world. Such is the case with my back yard. I have everything I could want - rose garden, grass, hardscape, deck, bbq - only I have it all squeezed into a 15x40 patch of earth.

One of the things I have wedged in out back is a pond. It's one of those black plastic numbers, but it holds around 150 gallons of water, which is plenty to give me the two pond essentials - sound and water lillies. I've had it for about a decade, and how well the pond goes depends a lot on my mood. Most years, although it starts out fine, by this point it's usually a stinking, fetid morass of algae and flies. Some seasons, I take the time to maintain it - and it's no small amount of time - and it lasts all summer ... right until the raccoons tear everything apart, and I say "frak it".

Last winter, having decided there was no practical way to keep the raccoons from using the pond as their own private jaccuzzi, I redesigned the plumbing to make it more robust to their attacks, and gave it one more shot. I added the usual water lillies and even added some fish. Now, I'm not the kind of guy who'll spend significant money for a koi just to have it become some possum's dinner, but I'll spring for a bag of feeder goldfish. I even added some extra waterplants for effect.

A funny thing happened, though. Somehow, the combination of the better plumbing and the water plants seems to have helped the pond achieve a biological balance. I've got plants growing that look just like a minature kelp bed - I keep expecting a calico bass to pop it's head out. And while 4 of the 10 goldfish didn't last the first week, the other four have grown to 4 inches in length in little over 6 months.

So I go out this afternoon to feed the fish which, by now, recognize my tapping on the pond liner as the dinner bell. Here they come - 1 through 6. And then comes 7 ... and 8! What the hell? I look close - sure enough, two inch-long brown goldfish. Clearly, someone's been doing more than just eating and crapping! I was amazed - I've had goldfish in that pond pretty much every year, and never had that happen! Out of curiosity, I checked online and learned that if you get the right conditions - and that kelp forest is apparently the key - common goldfish can reproduce to the point they'll outgrow the pond. That'll never happen with my raccoon raiders, but it was reasurring and even a little magical to see the miracle of life right there in my pond.

Sort of makes you forget all the other sh!t going on in the world ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 07:55 PM PST [link]

Give Me Something To Believe In

Long-time visitors to this site know that my love of professional cycling predates the Lance Armstrong era - and, in fact, this site. I remember Greg LeMond nipping Laurent Fignon (and his pony tail) and Andy Hampsten's epic win on L'Alp du Huez. We covered every one of Lance's TdF triumphs, first as asides in the Fishing News, and later here in the MB. There is no greater sporting event than Le Tour.

That's why it is so painful to watch it go through the ongoing suicide of doping scandals that plague the Tour once again this year. Three riders have been tossed out of the event, including two-time stage winner Riccardo Rocco - who was literally dragged off his tour bus by the French Gendarmes. For a sport that keeps crowing about how they're cleaning up their act, it's not too impressive.

Using substances to get an advantage is nothing new to le Tour. In the early days, alcohol and ether were used to numb the body to the pain of the ride. By the 1960s, amphetamine usage had begun, and in 1967 rider Tom Simpson collapsed and died on course because of their use. In the late '90s, as riders vied to be the next Miguel Indurain, blood doping had become the key tool for those looking for a less-than-legal edge. Some used transfusions of their own blood, collected earlier, to increase the number of oxygen-carrying red blood cells in their bodies, while others turned to drugs that would cause the body to create more cells. The hormone erythropoietin, or EPO, was the most popular, and it is the synthetic version of EPO that plagues the Tour still.

The Festina scandal of 1998 nearly brought the Tour to an end, and many believe it was only the heroic story of Lance Armstrong - himself a target of repeated but unsubstantiated doping charges - that saved the Tour. During the seven years Armstrong reigned over le Tour, the scandals were minimal, although still occurred. Most people hoped that perhaps that era was behind the professional cyclists.

Unfortunately, as soon as Lance had retired to his Texas ranch and the arms of Sheryl Crow, the dopers were once again at the forefront. In 2006, Tour winner Floyd Landis was stripped of his victory after abnormal test results indicated doping (a charge he denies to this day). The next year, Tour leader Michael Rasmussen was kicked off the Tour when it was learned that he'd deliberately avoided drug testing in the off-season. Two days earlier, Alexander Vinokourov tested positive after winning a stage, and his entire team withdrew from the race. Even the winner, Alberto Contador, while not failing any tests during the race, was linked to a large off-season doping scandal.

There is no more spectacular sporting event than the Tour de France. Few events in the world have the ability to attract the attention of fan and non-fan alike the way the Tour can. The sight of the peloton cycling through the French countryside is incredible. But that can all be lost if steps are not taken - and taken now - to put doping to an end once and for all. It will not be enough for the organizers to try and crack down - dopers have shown themselves to be one step of the authorities for a century. The riders themselves will have to step up and police themselves. The commitment by teams like CSC, Garmin-Chipotle and Columbia to hold themselves to a higher standard are a good start. But every rider must understand that just one cheater can take down the entire peloton and a century of tradition.

Posted by MarlinNut @ 07:55 PM PST [link]

You're So Fine, You're a Nine-One-Nine ...

Guys have been looking at girls for as long as there have been eyes, and we've been rating them for just about as long. Most of us are old enough to remember the movie "10" and the rating system on which it is based - heck, there are even songs about it. But like most things, over time this 10-point rating system needed an overhaul. Fortunately, the guys over at Put Up Your Dukes have it all figured out.

Their system - which, although I refer to as "their", they admit they picked up in a bar - is the "area code" system. You know area codes - those three-digit abominations you have to include in long-distance calls (and all calls in areas like SoCal where we have overlays). They use a similar code to describe women, which presumably not only gives them much more flexibility in the rating but also is much less likely to get you slapped by a 6.

Okay, here is how it works. Every human being on the planet can be adequately described using a three-digit number (i.e. area code). The first digit denotes the rating of how attractive the face is (0-9). The second digit describes whether you would sleep with that person or not (0=no, 1=yes). And finally, the third digit describes how attractive the person's body is (0-9). It's a discrete and yet simple way to judge others in public without actually meeting them.

They include several examples, which I may or may not agree with. I will say that I didn't need a new rating system to tell me that Rosie O'Donnell would be at the bottom of the scale.

It's also interesting to see that their blog, which only started on July 9, already had 58,828 hits - mostly due to the press on this very topic. The MB, on the other hand, has 26,040 after two years, demonstrating that this is just one more thing at which I suck. Of course, I'm sure that all four of you could have told me that already.

Posted by MarlinNut @ 05:51 PM PST [link]

Monday Sports Rant

Caught a little sports this weekend as I wait for my chance to catch a marlin ...

- Some amazingly good and amazingly bad golf this weekend. Let's start with the good - how good did it feel to see Greg Norman in contention in a major? Sure, we all knew he was 53, and even if he wasn't old his history said there'd be a crash and burn come Sunday. But in a weekend when the Tiger wannabees were supposed to step up to fill the void, it was a guy who's too busy for the Senior Tour who had to take time out from his honeymoon to make the headlines. Phil? Ernie? Vijay? Someone must have told them Tiger was actually in the field, 'cause they folded early. Norman, however, used his knowledge of the game in vicious conditions to hold the lead after three rounds. Of course, we all remember his record - 1 for 7 in such conditions - and no one really believed he'd make a difference. A 7-over final round gave Padraig Harrington his second consecutive Claret Jug and the joy of a walk down the 18th fairway - something fate robbed him of last year. But a tip of the fin to the Great White Shark, who reminded us what it is like to watch a professional golfer at work.

- Professional is a word you'll be hard-pressed to associate with Michelle Wie. The one-time wunderkind of ladies' links had seemed to get her act together over the last year. First, she fired her father and got a professional caddie on the bag; then she enrolled at Stanford University, and focused on her studies instead of her drives. Good moves all. This weekend, she teed it up with the ladies of the LPGA, and was playing well - she was T2 as she walked off the green on 18. Unfortunately, that's where the rules officials caught up to her. Seems that on Friday night, she left the scoring tent without signing her card. Although a volunteer ran her down later and got it signed, the die was cast - DQ. A harsh lesson in the rules of golf, but that's how it goes - and all of Michelle's post-disqualification tears can't change that. While she was a traveling circus act trying to play with the men, her counterparts were honing their skills on the junior circuit. That's where you learn the little things about golf - like replacing your divit, avoiding others' lines, and signing your scorecard. It's unfortunate that a solid performance was marred by a lapse in knowledge, but even more unfortunate to hear that she's going to play with the men again this weekend in Reno. It doesn't do any good to tell her to do the right thing if some greedy bastard of a tourney host is going to dangle an exemption in front of her. Might as well hand a drink to a drunk ...

- All the talk in the National League East is about the moves made by the Phillies and the surge by the Mets. But has anyone noticed who's lurking only a half game out of first place? That's right, baby - your Florida Marlins! Who cares if we can't field the ball - we lead the league in home runs! While many teams - including the Phillies - have had to deplete the minor league closet trading for some pitching support, all the Fish have had to do is look to the DL. Josh Johnson is back from a year-long Tommy John surgery rehab and showing the fastball that garnered him Rookie Of The Year votes two seasons back. Anibal Sanchez is scheduled to come off in a couple of weeks, just in time to take Andrew Miller's slot in the rotation. And don't forget rookie sensation Chris Volstad - only two years out of high school and two wins in his first two games. I'd like to see us pick up a decent catcher - maybe one who comes with a solid on-base percentage. But at least for one year, the surrender flag is no where in sight!

Posted by MarlinNut @ 05:36 PM PST [link]

Weekend Eye Candy - What Was He Thinking Edition

This won't come as much of a surprise to any woman who stumbles across this blog, but men can be downright stupid at times. The only real surprise, of course, is that one of us is willing to admit it ...

Football may be king in America, but it's futbol that rules the world. It's a sport that can bridge divides that no political deal can cross, and is universal no matter tha language that the players happen to speak. If you're a futbol star, you can have it all.

Right now, Cristiano Ronaldo is very near the top of that heap. Playing for Manchester United and his national team in Portugal, he is known worldwide. That tends to mean you can have pretty much any girl you want, as well.

After Portugal's quarterfinal defeat in the recent UEFA Euro 2008 tourney, the paparazzi poured out a solid stream of CR and his girlfriend, Nereida Gallardo, frolicking on a series of beaches. OK, to be honest, it was mostly just shots of Gallardo - much like this one here. Popular soccer star, hot chick - it all made sense.

Until now, when word comes out that he's dumped Gallardo because "he's tired of her". WTF? Tired of this? OK, I know he can have any one he wants, and the world is one big multicultural buffet, but damn - that's a pretty harsh statement to make about anyone. Even George Clooney did a better job of cleaning up after dating his Vegas waitress. We'll see how the damage control goes on this one, but for now, enjoy the thought that somewhere, Nereida Gallardo is looking for a rebound boy ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 06:08 AM PST [link]

It Makes Me Smile ...

We all squeal about the price of oil, but there's one guy out there who's not complaining. He's happily making money off our misery - the speculator. Buying and selling futures contracts, he's getting rich as you and I go broke at the pump. Bastard. I'm not a big fan of government interference, but I'm all for kicking those guys to the curb.

Oil dropped for the third straight day today, making for a $15-a-barrel loss thusfar this week. You just know that there were a handful of the skanky bastards who jumped in the market on Monday, just to have their financial asses handed to them. And all I can do is smile.

Of course, this economy being what it is, the damned stuff will probably soar $20 tomorrow and he'll make all his money back and then some ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 07:34 PM PST [link]

Asshat Update

We're in Week Three of the Grand Cellphone Experiment here in California, where drivers are forbidden from using the cellphones to place and receive calls and instead must use a hands-free device - the now-famous Asshat©. For those of you who are fans of a law-abiding lifestyle, I have good news for you - the statistics say that people are obeying the law. While all of the police agencies claim that they are inforcing the new rules, relatively few tickets have been written.

As I drive around, asshat firmly in my ear, I can see that there are still those who just gotta use their phones. I guess that's to be expected, since not everyone ran out and got their asshat in time. Of course, some of them are just Asshats who are going to be assholes about the whole thing. This being California, I guess that's to be expected as well ...

Personally, the worst part of all of this has been that my biggest fear is coming true. Emboldened to wear their asshats in their cars, more and more Asshats continue to wear their asshats after they leave their vehicles. And just as I predicted, they're using the damned things to continue their conversations as they move around us, oblivious - or just uncaring - of our pain at having to unwillingly share their call. I can see now that the next thing we need to invent is the Asshat Scrambler© that will simultaneously scramble the circuitry of the asshat while scrambling the brain of the Asshat.

I wish I had a camera with me earlier this week, as I met the Asshat's Asshat. This guy is walking down the street with a cellphone pressed to his ear as if stapled there. What was in the other one? You guessed it - an asshat. Go figure.

Posted by MarlinNut @ 07:27 PM PST [link]

Damned Uggly

We've all heard the speech about what an honor it is to be selected for the All-Star Game, and how it's not important to play but just to be there. But we all know that no one wants to be that guy who rides the pine for the entire game and never even steps on the field.

Two years ago, that was Dan Uggla. He was a rookie second baseman, a Rule 5 draft pick of the Marlins, and he was just thrilled to be there. Miguel Cabrera was the Big Fish at the time, and no one even noticed Uggla. That would apparently include the manager, since he never got in the game. But that was one of the first games run under the new concept of having the winning league get home field advantage in the World Series, and managers were a little more stingy with their rosters.

Now its 2008, and Uggla was once again at the ASG. This time, though, he was no throw-in - he's one of the best second basemen in the league. You just knew that he'd get a chance to play, and you just knew he'd make the most of it.

Right. Entering the game in the sixth inning, he got a lot of playing time as the game went extra innings. Wish I could say he made the most of it. At the plate, he went 0-for-4 with three strikeouts. Twice he had a chance to plate the winning run, but in one case he hit into a double-play, and in the other struck out on 3 pitches.

If you're feeling bad for the Uggster, don't worry - it only gets worse. The normally-sure handed second bagger set an All Star Game record with 4 errors. Now, this is a guy who only had 8 for the entire first half of the season. It was pretty ugly.

To his credit, he's being a stand-up guy and making no excuses.

''I'm fine. The only thing that [ticks] me off is we didn't win the game,'' Uggla said. ``I was never down. You shake it off.

``There was no reason it happened. I put my glove down and didn't make the play. It seems like when it rains it pours, and it was that way for me [Tuesday night].

''You don't try to justify it,'' he said. ``My reputation is what it is. One game isn't going to change it. I know what kind of player I am.''

I'm glad he's OK with it. Me, on the other hand - I was looking for a bag to put over my head ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 07:27 PM PST [link]

On The Road Again

Once again, I find myself travelling during marlin season. And while this time I'm actually closer to the fish, I'm no closer to catching the fish ...

I'm currently in Carlsbad, CA, just down the coast from Oceanside. Looking quickly at a chart, I see I'm only about 25 miles from the 209 or 181 (where they're whacking the yellowfin tuna as we speak) as the crow flies. Well, maybe that's as the tern flies - crows hate water. Anyway, I'm close enough to smell the fish, but still on the beach.

That was true literally yesterday, as I drove down early so I could get a chance to exercise on the beach. I run/walk/jog/crawl every other day, and since I'll be at a team dinner tonight, I wanted to get it out of the way yesterday. Beautiful beaches down here - reminds me a lot of northern Baja, in that there's not a lot of development along the water's edge nor established infrastructure - you just look for the well-worn path down the bluff to the water.

I'll be down here until tomorrow evening, so I'll see if I can't find some other interesting things to comment on down here - other than looking wistfully at the horizon ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 06:24 AM PST [link]

Oh, Brett ... No, no, no ...

Brett Favre may be the greatest quarterback in NFL history. He certainly is the most popular Packer ever, holding place in the fans' heart jus below that of the immortal Vince Lombardi. But now, because he justcan't say no, he's putting all that at risk.

Great athletes live for the game. Very few have room in their lives for anything else, which is why you seldom see them going into coaching or other management positions after they retire - they've given it all on the field. The problem is, they just don't know when to say goodbye. We've seen it with so many greats - and now we've seeing it with Favre.

For the last few years, the Packers went through anguish every off season waiting for Favre's decision - play or not play. Two years ago, it was particularly agonizing, as he waited until the last minute to decide to return for another season. As a result, the team urged him last season to make his decision early. When the Packers lost in the NFC Championship last winter, Favre made his decision early - he was retiring.

Oh, that it should be that easy. Apparently, while the Packers were moving full speed towards life with Aaron Rodgers as quarterback, Favre was contemplating his future without football - and didn't like what he saw. He decided he wanted back - but would the Packers want him?

What started out as a private matter exploded into the media this week, as Favre requested his formal release from his contract with the Packers, and they in turn declined, claiming that Favre was welcome to compete for his old job. Talk about your no-win situation: the greatest QB in franchise history wants to come back, but you've promised the job to the other guy.

Let's be clear - the Packers have few options. They can't give him a unconditional release, risking him signing with a divisional rival. And they can't put him on the bench when he drove them to the brink of the Super Bowl last year. So they offer him a chance to compete - hoping he won't take it.

Favre, in the mean time, is feeling feeling a little less than loved. But rather than work with the Packers to find a solution, what does he go? He does an interview with Fox News' Greta Van Sustern. Not ESPN, not any other sports channel - Greta freaking Van Sustern, the legal correspondent. Sure, she's a Packers fan, but you don't think this was like tossing a gallon of gas on the fire?

Any chance of a friendly solution is out the window - and it's your fault, Brett. You probably would have gotten one retirement mulligan for your past performance, but not when you back the club into a corner. They'll never let you put on someone else's uni, and you won't just stay retired. So the fan uproar will increase until the team is forced to bring you back to compete for your old job. You won't be on the same page - physically or philosophically - with the rest of the team, so this will be a throwaway season for the Pack. They'll have to wait one more year to start the Aaron Rodgers era - and that's assuming you don't pull this stunt again.

We love you, Brett, but dude ... get a life!

Posted by MarlinNut @ 09:40 PM PST [link]

Headlines Galore!

There are a lot of interesting stories in the news this morning that demand at least a small comment ...

- Bush to lift executive ban on offshore oil drilling

Sorry, George - wrong answer! Why is it every time there's a spike in the cost of oil, some think we can simply drill our way out of it? Are you going to tell me that our coastlines are less valuable today than they were a year ago? Or were they always for sale, just waiting for the right price? Even if they started today, the first oil is 10 years away - making this little more than a political ploy. I agree with the idea of energy independance, but force the oil companies to match every dollar spent on new drilling efforts with money spent on alternative energy sources. Even better - tax the hell out of the windfall profits they're reaping, but instead of sending it to the Feds, force them to spend it on implementing serious programs to develop solar and wind energy generation.

- InBev to buy Anheuser-Busch for $52B

Joe Six-Pack is gonna wake up this morning to a whole new kind of headache - "This Beck's for you, Bud". Frankly, I couldn't care less about who owns A-B from a drinking perspective, as I won't go near any of their product. But this ought to be sounding alarm bells in the business sector - when the value of the dollar goes down, there are suddenly a lot of attractive bargains out there for foreign investors. This won't be the last one, either ...

- Schumer: Don't blame me for IndyMac failure

OK, Chuck, I don't blame you for the failure. But I damned well blame you for the run and the panic and the unnecessary concern by all those IndyMac depositors. Clearly, IMB got itself in trouble, and I'll even accept that the FDIC was right to step in. But if you were really concerned - as a New York senator over a Cali bank - did you really need to voice that concern by press conference? Is there something about being a politician that makes you unable to pick up a frigging telephone and ask someone at the Office of Thrift Supervision what the hell was going on? As a member of the Senate Banking Committee, there's no way you didn't understand the negative impact voicing your concerns publicly would have on IMB - and it's depositors. The idea that you would put making political hay ahead of the financial health of citizens - even those on the opposite side of the country from your constituency - is pathetic.

- Miss Venezuela crowned Miss Universe; Miss USA trips -- again

Good lord - could we please find someone who can walk in high heels?

Posted by MarlinNut @ 08:50 AM PST [link]

Confident Eye Candy

With this week's Eye Candy comes a lesson - and no, it's not that model Miranda Kerr is smoking hot. We pretty much already knew that.

Let's face it - the world is full of women that look fantastic in a bikini. Not my world, unfortunately, but the greater world at large ... or so I'm told. But that's not the point. My point is that there are lots of girls upon whom you can slap a bikini and it will fit just fine. But that doesn't mean they can do it justice. They fidget, they cower, they hide - they're embarassed for one reason or another. And that's understandable - it's a pretty intimidating moment.

But not for our Miranda. She wears it like the pro's pro she is, oblivious to the hundreds of photogs staring at her essentially naked body. Oh, and she does it all while strutting in high heels as well - wearing little more than a smile.

Jack Palance put it best many years ago - "Confidence is very sexy - don't you think?"

Remember, you can click on the picture and see for yourself ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 07:02 AM PST [link]

Why Didn't We Think Of That?

Most of us are sports enthusiasts, and particularly enjoy water sports. As such, most of us know that a prudent soul uses the appropriate flotation device while water skiiing, kayaking, or whatever. They come in lovely fashion colors, or the ever-popular Coast Guard orange, and work just fine.

But let's say for just a moment that you were not only a kayaker, but also a nudist - now what do you do? Bundling up in a bulky PFD kinda defeats thw whole "nude in public" thing, and leads to embarassing tan lines - totally unacceptable for any serious nudist. No problem - a company in South Korea has you covered.

The "Zak Nudevest" is made of clear PVC, and is said to serve as a legitimate PFD while still allowing the sun to shine through, as it were. You can get them online for around $15, and while it looks pretty fragile (read: won't last long), anything that lets her set the girls free is OK in my book!

Posted by MarlinNut @ 08:14 PM PST [link]

Proof Positive - Hybrid Cars Kill!

OK, it's not what you were thinking, but perversely interesting nonetheless. It turns out that Toyota was so desperate to bring the Camry hybrid to the US car market that their lead engineer worked himself to death - literally!

In the two months up to his death, the man averaged more than 80 hours of overtime per month, according to Mizuno.

He regularly worked nights and weekends, was frequently sent abroad and was grappling with shipping a model for the pivotal North American International Auto Show in Detroit when he died of ischemic heart disease in January 2006. The man's daughter found his body at their home the day before he was to leave for the United States.

In a statement, Toyota Motor Corp. offered its condolences and said it would work to improve monitoring of the health of its workers.

There is an effort in Japan to cut down on deaths from overwork, known as "karoshi." Such deaths have steadily increased since the Health Ministry first recognized the phenomenon in 1987.

You know, there's that old saying about how you should spend more time focusing on the important things, because no one sits at the gates of heaven wishing they'd spent more time at work. I'm thinking that might not be the case in Japan ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 09:23 PM PST [link]

How 'Bout That Hanley!

Since the Florida Marlins baseball club was established in 1993, only once has a member of the team been selected as a starter for the All-Star game. Even then, the selection was tainted, as most of the votes Gary Sheffield received in '93 were actually from his time spent early in the season with the Padres prior to being traded to the Fish.

That will all change on July 15th. When the National League squad jogs out to take their positions in the bottom of the first inning, starting at shortstop will be the Marlins' Hanley Ramirez. 2.3 million voters selected him as the starter, over J. J. Hardy of the Brewers and Miguel Tejada of the Astros.

If you play in a big city, starting the All-Star game is pretty easy. With a massive built-in fan base, all the club's media department needs to do is pass out the ballots and wait. But when you toil in obscurity the way Ramirez does, there's only one way to crack the starting 9 - play your ass off. And play he has done. With a .302 average and 21 home runs - out of the leadoff spot - Ramirez has been the spark in a so-far outstanding Marlins season. He's fielding at .963 - interestingly enough, exactly what he ended the last two years at.

Watching Ramirez lead off the All-Star game is thrill enough, but Marlins fans can take satisfaction in knowing that we'll be watching him do it for a while. Unlike the past, when the only way you got to watch a young Marlin blossom was to see him do it on another team, Marlins management recognized that Ramirez could be the cornerstone of the franchise for years to come. With a new stadium finally in the works, they locked him into a long-term deal that will see him manning shortstop for many years to come.

Now they just have to do the same for his All-Star double play combo partner Dan Uggla ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 06:08 AM PST [link]

Probably Not The Kind Of Stimulation They Were Looking For ...

By now, those of us who'll get them should have receive their economic stimulus rebate checks. An attempt by the Bush Administration to kick-start the economy by putting money in the hands of consumers - and hoping they'll then spend it - the checks are for between $600 and $1200. Most pundits figured everyone would run straight to their local Wal-Mart and spend it on knick-knacks (effectively routing the money straight to China). Turns out, though, that a lot of that money is staying closer to home - if not exactly where the politicians planned ...

An independent market-research firm, AIMRCo (Adult Internet Market Research Company), has discovered that many websites focused on adult or erotic material have experienced an upswing in sales in the recent weeks since checks have appeared in millions of Americans' mailboxes across the country.

According to Kirk Mishkin, Head Research Consultant for AIMRCo, "Many of the sites we surveyed have reported 20-30% growth in membership rates since mid-May when the checks were first sent out, and typically the summer is a slow period for this market."

Jillian Fox, spokeswoman for LSGmodels.com, one of the sites reporting figures to AIMRCo, added, "In a June 15, 2008 survey to our members, thirty two percent of respondents referenced the recent stimulus package as part of their decision to either become a new member, or renew an existing membership."

Fox also added, "Getting more people to buy porn was probably the last thing Bush had on his mind when he came up with his 'stimulus package,' but we'll take it."

Porn sites might help with one form of stimulation, but the problem is that there's no little blue pill to stimulate a flaccid economy ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 10:30 AM PST [link]

The Dumbass Tried It Again ...

Some guys are apparently slower to learn that others. Kent Couch, who twice before tried to fly from Oregon to Idaho via balloon-powered lawn chair, tried it again on Saturday. To his "credit", this time he made it.

Armed with a BB-gun, a satellite phone, boiled eggs and a parachute, Couch used over 150 helium-filled party balloons to complete his flight from Bend, OR to Cambridge, ID - a distance of 235 miles - in just over 9 hours.

After spilling off some cherry-flavored Kool-Aid that served as ballast, Couch got a push from the ground crew so he could clear light poles and soared over a coffee cart and across U.S. Highway 20 into a bright blue sky.

"If I had the time and money and people, I'd do this every weekend," Couch said before getting into the chair. "Things just look different from up there. You've moving so slowly. The best thing is the peace, the serenity. Watch Couch explain why balloon flying is "a beautiful thing" »

"Originally, I wanted to do it because of boyhood dreams. I don't know about girls, but I think most guys look up in the sky and wish they could ride on a cloud."

Couch's wife, Susan, called him crazy: "It's never been a dull moment since I married him."

The scary part is that he has corporate sponsorship for his "flights". For something as suicidal as this, that seems an awful lot like sewing a sponsor's patch on Jack Kevorkian's lab coat ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 09:54 AM PST [link]

Weekend Eye Candy - Patriotic Fluff Edition

I'm off to fish the next few days, so that means no entries for Thursday and Friday. Of course, it also means extra time to stare at our Weekend Eye Candy.

Heidi Montag is, in my opinion, a perfect example of what's wrong with America. Fake smile, fake tits, and barely a brain in her head; nevertheless, she's well on her way to being rich and famous. And why? Because she's part of MTV's pseudo-reality show "The Hills". Like most "reality" shows, it's part drooling voyeurism, part scripted drama, and all manipulation - and it totally sucks in the stupid crowd. Riding a wave of unearned popularity, she's hyping clothes, trying her hand at acting and singing, and attending every event where there's even a chance to be seen - and calling the paparazzi to where they are if they don't see any. It's the classic case of flinging things at the wall to see what sticks, and then following whatever path seems the most profitable. Not exactly a lifestyle to be proud of ...

That said, she's got the bangin' body, and was good enough to stage a "candid" moment at the beach while wearing a stars and stripes bikini. I guess that's enough to forgive her for the moment, and make her our Weekend Eye Candy ...


DOUBLE YOUR PUBLICITY WHORE UPDATE: I'm going to include this new shot of Marla Maples, last week's Eye Candy, because it does such a good job of proving my point:

1) The shot was obviously taken at the same time as the one last week (same bikini, or she's too broke to buy another), but they waited to release it to the press until today to get maximum publicity. That part apparently worked ...

2) This is where Heidi Montag is gonna be in 15 years, sans The Donald's cash. Girl, you got soooo much to look forward to ...

It's no wonder the rest of the world hates us when the press spends as much time (or more) focused on crap like this ... and Brangelina's due date ... than they do on global warming or world peace.

On the bright side, it's good to see Marla looks as good upright as she did upside down. Says something for Pilates and plastic surgery ... although I'm not entirely sure what ...

What the hell - double your Independance Day Eye Candy. What could be more American than that?

Posted by MarlinNut @ 10:33 AM PST [link]

The Illusion Of Authority

From the title, you probably think I'm about to launch into a political rant, don't you ... not this time ...

Every town has that one street where the people just drive too damned fast. Maybe there's a dangerous curve ahead, or a school, or a crosswalk ... something down the road that you want to get folks to slow down for. But try as you may, they keep screaming past. You could put in speedbumps, but they can cause a speeding car to lose control - lawsuit city. You could install a cop with a radar gun, but we need them out on the streets catching real criminals - like people who forgot their asshats. But you have to do something ... how about fake speed bumps?

Cathy Campbell did a double-take and tapped the brakes when she spotted what appeared to be a pointy-edged box lying in the road just ahead.

She got fooled.

It was a fake speed bump, a flat piece of blue, white and orange plastic that is designed to look like a 3-D pyramid from afar when applied to the pavement.

No matter the speed mitigating device, the purpose is the same - get the drivers to slow down. By using these visually confusing devices, unsure drivers slow down to try and figure out what's going on - thus achieving the safety goal. They don't cost much, and they can be used in places where a real bump might present a safety hazard.

Of course, they do have one down side ...

"Initially they were great," said the Phoenix Police traffic coordinator, Officer Terry Sills. "Until people found out what they were."

Learning from the experience in Arizona, authorities are adding a publicity campaign in Philadelphia to let drivers know that the phony speed bumps will be followed by very real police officers, said Richard Blomberg, a contractor in charge of the study.

Even after motorists adjust, the fake bumps will act like flashing lights in a school zone, reminding drivers they are in an area where they should not be speeding, he said.

"After awhile the novelty wears off, but not the conspicuous effect," Blomberg said.

What's next - a popup cutuout of a motorcycle cop pointing a radar gun at you?

Posted by MarlinNut @ 06:06 AM PST [link]

Hands Off The Wheel ... Heads Up Their A$$ ...

Today's the big day here in California - asshats for everyone!

If only the new law would do more than let some lawmaker sleep soundly at night ...

I have a great respect for the law, but much less for lawmakers. All too often, it's clear that their primary goal it the sustenance of their own position - if they happen to do some good, well, that's just an accident.

Take our new, highly-touted cellphone laws (please!). As of midnight, anyone using a cellphone in a car must use a hands-free device to access it. The politicians are lining up in front of the cameras, crowing about all the lives that will be saved and citing statistics about distracted driving to support their decision.

Unfortunately, most of them must have failed basic statistics.

The law requires you to use an asshat or similar device when talking on the phone. Of course, it still lets you handle the phone to dial calls, answer calls or - wait for it - text message! These idiots think that using one hand to hold a phone to your ear is dangerous, but fumbling with the phone to text message isn't? And for those of you who think only an idiot would try to text and drive, all I can say is that there are more idiots in the world than you might imagine.

It's worth noting that a very similar law goes into effect today in Washington State - but at least they had the good sense ban texting while driving last January. And unlike our piddling $20 ticket, it'll cost you $124 if you grab the phone in Seattle. Once again, California is ass-backward ... just like the new marriage laws (sorry, but you just can't leave me a "straight" line like that and expect me to not run with it ... )

I can't speak for politicans everywhere, but this law is a pretty typical example of how the ineffective CaliPols work. Take a legitimate problem - in this case, distracted driving - and pick out some small part of it that, while not solving (or significantly improving) the problem, will at least find the support to be passed. Once it makes it into law, find a podium and a camera, all hold hands, and proclaim your greatness as leaders. All that's lacking is naming it after a victim - say, the first little girl who didn't get ice cream because Mom was fumbling with her phone and missed the turnoff.

(As an aside, is there anything as disingenuous as laws that are named after victims? Here in Cali, we have Jessica's Law and Megan's Law and a whole slew of others - all of which are half-assed attempts as solving real problems that do nothing more than get the pols a photo op with grieving parents. That sound you hear in the background? My gears being ground. Grrr ...)

Here's the real problem, Sacramento: Asshats with asshats aren't any safer than someone holding the phone to their ears. It's not their hands being occupied that causes accidents, but their brains (or that which passes for one). There is this myth that somehow, by freeing up both hands to drive the car, everyone will be safer. But that's only true if the driver's brain is in the car, and not somewhere else. What's more, studies indicate that while the new law will probably save up to 300 lives a year, it really only has a significant impact in bad weather and other severe driving conditions. Been outside lately? Hello - Golden State?

I'm reminded of the surprise registered by German car engineers shortly after WWII when they started importing their vehicles to America. They had experience with developing machines that could drive the Autobahn - the prototype of freeways in America - and understood what a challenge it is to the typical human just to keep the car on the road. So when the feedback started to arrive from the States, and the biggest complaint was a lack of a cupholder - a goddamn cupholder - they were amazed. Who in their right mind would be drinking and driving - and we're not even talking alcohol. And yet, most Americans see the driving seat as an extension of the living room, and will continue to do so - right up to the point they impact the overpass support column.

If politicians were serious about solving the problem of distracted driving, they'd ban cellphone usage by the driver of a vehicle - period. At the very least, they could follow the suggestion of one local pol I hear this morning, who advocated ignoring incoming calls - "That's what voicemail is for," she said. Good advice. Unfortunately, what we'll get instead is the stream of "yeah, but's" - "yeah, but if you ban cellphones, you'll have to ban eating / makeup / drinking / radio fiddling / blowjobs / etc". My response? Maybe - let's look at each one individually, and if the statistics say it's a hazard, then ban it.

Step up and govern, for God's sake - the life you save might be your own - or your family ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 08:54 AM PST [link]