We Can Only Hope

Even during my vacation, I like to check out the latest news stories. Every once in a while, I run across one that makes me do a double-take ... like this one. The headline? "Director Oliver Stone joins hostage rescue team".

WTF??

Leaving the glamour of Hollywood far behind, Stone arrived in the steamy Colombian city of Villavicencio on Saturday as part of a mission led by Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez to retrieve three hostages held for years by the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia, or FARC.

It starts to make sense once he pulls his head out of his ass and opens his mouth.

"I have no illusions about the FARC, but it looks like they are a peasant army fighting for a decent living," Stone said in an interview with The Associated Press at his hotel bar. "And here, if you fight, you fight to win."

When asked if he's concerned the heavily armed guerrillas could turn on him, he joked: "Well, if they took us, they would be swapping three hostages for 10," referring to himself and observers from five Latin America countries, France and Switzerland, along to supervise the release. "If I were them, that would make sense.

Here's hoping they read CNN.com ...

As if his trip wasn't enough to cement his inherently anti-government agenda, he's also scouting for a biopic about Pablo Escobar, the Colombian cocaine smuggler killed in 1993. Stone's twisted take?

"Escobar is still very controversial. Many people hate him, but many people love him," said Stone, who first rendered the drug-smuggling underworld as a screenwriter for "Midnight Express" and "Scarface." "To some, he was this Robin Hood figure, giving money to the poor."

Note to Hugo Chavez: You can keep Stone, and when Sean Penn shows up, he's yours, too ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 05:09 PM PST [link]

Martha Stewart Is A Big Fat Liar

Let me be clear: I don't like Martha Stewart. I don't like her elitist attitude and her faux upper crust accent. I love home improvement shows, but I hate hers. I just don't like the woman.

And I like her even less now that I've caught her in a lie.

Let's face it - going to prison was the best thing that ever happened to Martha. Rather than stunt her career, it skyrocketed to new heights. When they locked her up, she lost her product line with K-Mart. It's back - only now it's at Macy's. There's the paint collection at Lowes ... the flower collection at ProFlowers ... and don't forget the houses built by KB Homes based on her own homes. Yes, prison was very very good to Martha - and she still trots out the prison stories when she needs to tug on a heartstring - or boost ratings (remember the prison ponchos?)

She did it again yesterday for her Christmas show. Martha was relating a "heartwarming story" of how she was making pottery in the prison craft shop and begged the guards for special privileges.

"Even though every inmate was only allowed to do one a month, and I was only there for five months, I begged because I said I was an expert potter -- ceramicist actually -- and could I please make the entire nativity scene," she said.

Frankly, anyone who refers to oneself as "an expert ceramicist" should probably get shanked in the shower. That aside, Martha claimed the nativity figures she displayed had been sculpted by herself and other inmates at the Federal Prison at Alderson, WVA. Only problem? I have the same damned nativity scene! My mother created it for me some years back in a ceramics class (note that mine is a lovely bone ivory rather than Martha's poop brown). I'm no "expert ceramicist", but there's a mighty big difference between sculpting figurines from raw clay and slapping some glaze on a prefabbed piece and popping it in the oven.

Shame on you, Martha ... even Baby Jesus is frowning ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 08:12 PM PST [link]

Still Looking For That Perfect Gift - Part 2

One of the many holiday traditions that folks try to stay up with is tipping those people who service you during the year. Whether the letter carrier, the paperboy, your secretary ... er, administrative assistant ... or whomever, Christmas is a time to show how much you appreciate them.

SCMO is just one more example of a valuable service that makes your life a better place. As the guy who keeps this circus in one piece and insures you have happy reading every day, it's understandable that you might want to tip me, as well. I certainly welcome the sentiment, and don't discourage the practice. But I'm not much of a fruitcake kind of guy, and there's only so much fishing tackle one angler can use. So rather than showering me with bunch of marlin lures, I have a couple of examples of more appropriate gifts for you.

These gifts come to us courtesy of the nice folks at Yandy.com and their interesting product line. You're welcome to keep the wrapping for your significant other - I'm only interested in the contents ...

Merry Christmas to all from the Home Office staff ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 04:55 PM PST [link]

Still Looking For That Perfect Gift?

You missed your chance at our last gift suggestion, so how about this ... pills that make you poop gold? That's right, now you make your insides glitter just like your outsides, courtesy of Tobias Wong - the same guy who plated a box cutter in chrome and a McDonalds spoon in gold and called them art. Supposedly, one of these $425 capsules - coated and filled with gold leaf - will have you passing gold logs in no time. Conspicuously absent are any product shots that might demonstrate the ... effectiveness ... of the product. Oh well, as they say, art is in the eye of the beholder - in this case, the brown eye ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 08:20 AM PST [link]

Weekend Eye Candy - Hot or Not Edition

There was a time not so long ago when actress Tara Reid was on the short list of Hollywood hotties. Her roles in "American Pie" and "Josie and the Pussycats", combined with a youthful, wholesome look, made her a paparazzi favorite.

She's still a favorite with the photogs, but not for the reasons she might like. After a couple of questionable career moves (anyone remember "Taradise"?) and multiple botched plastic surgeries, studio execs wouldn't touch her. But there are always those with cash and dreams, and people like Tara with their hand out. That's how she ended up spending an extended vacation in Australia, getting paid to host various questionable parties.

It was during that trip that the photo at right was shot. Frankly, she looks a lot better there than she has in a while, and you have to wonder if it was just a lucky shot or if she's somehow making a hotness comeback. But rather than try and answer that question myself, I'll leave it to you - our readers. Personally, while I think she's come a long way, her skin still looks like that of an old lady, and I'm sure there's velcro holding her bikini bottom in place, since there's no hips to speak of. It might be a good idea to eat something once in a while, too, Tara ...

But that's one man's opinion - and yours is?

Posted by MarlinNut @ 08:57 AM PST [link]

JOE COOL Followup

Back in September, we talked about the mystery of the JOE COOL, a Miami-based charter boat whose crew disappeared without a trace. At the time, the suspicion was that they had been killed by the two men who had chartered the boat to take them to Bimini - and who were found drifting in JC's survival raft. Now it appears that the crews' unwillingness to take the men to Cuba lead to their deaths. One of the suspects is said to have told a fellow inmate the circumstances that lead to the deaths.

According to the inmate, Archer, a robbery fugitive from Arkansas, wanted to go to Cuba because the communist nation has no extradition treaty with the U.S. The two paid $4,000 to charter the "Joe Cool" to take them to Bimini on September 22 and then tried to force Branam to head south toward Cuba.

The inmate said an argument followed and Archer pulled a handgun from Zarabozo's luggage and pointed it at Branam, leading Mrs. Branam to tell other crew members to call the Coast Guard.

"Archer then shot the driver, the woman and the remaining crew members," the court filing said. "(Zarabozo) then agreed to throw the bodies overboard because the crew members were shot with his firearm."

The two suspects tried to drive the sportfisher to Cuba, but had difficulties and opted to try and reach the island in the life raft instead.

Charter operators fall into that dangerous group of occupations that includes taxi drivers and convenience store operators - people who have no control over the folks they come in contact with, all too often with fatal consequences. Hopefully, these guys get the needle they so richly deserve ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 01:32 PM PST [link]

Doin' My Job For Me ...

I swear ... some days, all I have to do is read the headlines and this thing writes itself:


- Rose on Mitchell report: Steroids users 'making a mockery' of baseball

Apparently, Pete Rose is among those disgusted by the depth and breadth of drug use in baseball.

"I never thought anybody would make me look like an altar boy," Rose said.

"I've been suspended 18 years for betting on my own team to win," he added. "I was wrong ... but these guys today, if the allegations are true, they're making a mockery of the game."

"If you're going to put these guys that supposedly did steroids into the Hall of Fame, I mean I've got to get a shot somewhere," he said.

And he'll give you odds he'll be Roger Clemens into the Hall ...


- Report: Britney Spears' 16-year-old sister pregnant

In a classic demonstration of two apples not falling far from the tree, Nickelodeon's "Zoey 101" star Jamie Lynn Spears announced yesterday that she is 12 weeks pregnant by her boyfriend Casey Aldridge and intends to have the child.

"It was a shock for both of us, so unexpected," she said. "I was in complete and total shock and so was he."

What message does she want to send to other teens about premarital sex? "I definitely don't think it's something you should do; it's better to wait," she told the magazine. "But I can't be judgmental because it's a position I put myself in."

Jamie Lynn plans to raise the baby in her home state of Louisiana -- "so it can have a normal family life."

Can't be judgemental? Normal life? WTF?? I guess this shows that Britney Spears really is a role model, after all. I hear Aunt Brit is available for babysitting duties, too ... pending the restraining order, of course ...


- Daredevil pilot Dick Rutan makes emergency landing in Victorville

Dick Rutan, who two decades circled the globe unrefueled in the record breaking aircraft "Voyager", ran into a little trouble while flying to a friend's memorial service in Palm Springs. An engine failure in his Cessna forced him to land on a road outside Victorville.

"It was sudden, catastrophic and inexplicable," Rutan said. "The engine was totally destroyed."

Fortunately, he was flying below 1000 feet. He said he managed to land about eight miles from the Victorville Airport.

"This was a major incident. If I had been over the clouds and had to land on a mountain, my chance of surviving would probably be zero," Rutan said.

This isn't Rutan's first - or closest - brush with death.

Before working as a test pilot, Rutan served in the Air Force and flew 325 combat missions in Vietnam. He was shot down by enemy fire during one of those missions, forcing him to eject from a burning F-100. He evaded capture and was later rescued.

Rutan later sought to break other aviation record by attempting to float around the world on a balloon without stopping. He missed that goal in January 1998 when a helium cell on the Global Hilton balloon ruptured, and Rutan and his co-pilot Dave Melton had to parachute out.

He had another near miss in May 2000 when a plane he was in landed on thin ice and sank on the North Pole. Rutan and several others abandoned the plane and were left stranded in the cold for more than a dozen hours before being rescued.

The Right Stuff ... you either have it - or you don't.

Posted by MarlinNut @ 07:45 AM PST [link]

Your Tax Dollars At Work

So often, we hear the horror stories of wasted tax dollars on military boondoggles. Here's an example of a military expenditure we all can support.

Imagine this parents' nightmare - you're on a cruise ship off the Mexican coastline when your 14-yr-old daughter suffers a ruptured appendix. This is far beyond the limited medical capabilities of the onboard doctor, and your child's life is at grave risk. What do you do?

Send in the Navy! The SOS broadcast by the cruise ship Dawn Princess was answered by no less than the USS Ronald Reagan, a Navy carrier performing training exercises over 500 miles away. Two helicopters were dispatched from the Reagan to retrieve the ailing teen.

"They evacuated the whole back end of the ship so that the helicopter could come and lower the basket. They put her in the basket," her mother said. "She had a little stuffed animal dog and she was holding that for dear life."

Hours later, Montero was aboard the carrier where crews rushed her into surgery.

... Montero is also expected to make a full recovery. She is still resting aboard the USS Ronald Reagan, but she and her family will be pulling back into San Diego today.

Her family, meanwhile, is extremely grateful for the carrier's quick response.

"It was beyond words. It was like the whole world just lifted off of my shoulders."

Talk about your nationalized medical care ... well done!

Posted by MarlinNut @ 10:54 AM PST [link]

Speaking Of Golden Voices ...

Love him or hate him, there is no one quite like ESPN's Dick Vitale. A fixture at the network since broadcast their first college basketball game back in 1979, his catch phrases and enthusiasm can bring excitement to the dullest of matchups.

I don't watch a lot of college hoops, particularly this early in the year, but even I noticed that there seemed to be an extra rasp in Dickie V's voice recently ... and now we know why. He'll be going in for surgery soon to have lesions removed from his vocal cords. For someone who makes their living using their voice, there can't be anything scarier. But leave it to Vitale to turn a negative into a positive.

If you want to lend me a helping hand, go to dickvitaleonline.com and during this holiday season, help me assist kids that are battling cancer by making a donation to the V Foundation in memory of Payton Wright. You can send a check in care of the V Foundation and mail it to Tandem Enterprises, 7810 Mathern Court, Lakewood Ranch, FL 34202. Or you can call (800) 4-JIMMYV and please indicate that your donation is in memory of Payton Wright.

My goal is to raise $1 million for the Payton Wright research grant to help kids battling cancer.

Even at a time when he could righly focus on himself, he's looking to help others.

Awesome, baby!

Posted by MarlinNut @ 09:34 AM PST [link]

Golden Voice Silenced

It was with great sadness that the Home Office staff learned yesterday of the death of singer Dan Fogelberg. Fogelberg, 56, died Sunday morning of prostate cancer.

I can remember several years ago when he announced via his website that he had contracted the disease. Although far advanced at the time, he remained optimistic that he would beat it and be on the road soon. Sadly, this did not come to pass.

For those of us who came of age in the '70s, Fogelberg was part of the soundtrack of our lives. Along with contemporaries like James Taylor, Jimmy Buffett and J. D. Souther, Fogelberg helped shape the "soft rock" sound. His gentle voice and thoughtful lyrics made for classic music, and his collaboration with flutist Tim Weisberg, "Twin Sons Of Different Mothers", remains one of my all-time favorite albums.

They say that if you dodge all the other bullets that want to kill you, eventually it will be prostate cancer that'll get you. It's God's own Langolier. But it's one of the slowest moving and treatable forms of cancer, if you just find it in time. Men over 50 should be tested once a year - earlier if there's a history in the family. Let this be a lesson ... make the time to take the test.

Posted by MarlinNut @ 08:55 AM PST [link]

I'm Shocked, I Tell You ... Shocked!

In an event less predictable only than tomorrow's sunrise, Pam Anderson has filed for divorce from Husband #3, Rick Salomon. You remember Rick - it was his member you saw Paris Hilton working on in that famous videotape. After agreeing to sleep with him to pay off a gambling debt (seriously), they decided to marry. Go figure. Seems like just months ago we were laughing at their nuptials - oh wait ... it was just months! The divorce papers claim irreconcilable differences - yeah, like when they sobered up, they hated each other ...

UPDATE: If you believe Harvey Levin and the folks over at TMZ, the happy couple is happy once again. Supposedly, they had a really big fight on Friday, then Pam filed papers this morning but immediately reconciled with Salomon. Whatever.

Better get in line now, boys, this beauty can't stay on the market long ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 01:28 PM PST [link]

I Got Your Winter Right Here ...

The tell me it's winter, but it can be hard to tell here in SoCal. After all, we're in the middle of our "cold snap" right now - it'll "only" get up to 65 today.

But we're not the only one with temperate winters. In fact, compared to us, Hawaii is positively tropical. It's so warm now in the islands that they can still shoot bikini pictorials, like this one featuring swimmer Amanda Beard.

You may remember Beard as a precocious teenager running around the pool with a teddy bear at the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta. Clearly, she doesn't need the bear any more. She's retired from competitive swimming, but still understands the value of a well-toned, athletic form.

And we appreciate her understanding ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 03:02 PM PST [link]

Stick It To Me

The Mitchell Report on the use of drugs in baseball has been released, and I think it says what we all suspected: performance enhancing drugs were used widely in baseball, their use was known by both the clubs (who often provided tacit approval) and the league, and the use of those drugs which could be detected easily decreased once baseball instituted a drug testing policy.

If there's any real surprises in the report, I'd have to point to two - just how widespread the use of steroids and later human growth hormone was in baseball, and how routinely their usage was treated by many of the teams - apparently including our hometown Dodgers. It now appears that two of the biggest "feel-good" stories to come out of the Boys in Blue were in fact both drug-enduced.

Paul LoDuca was a career minor league catcher who didn't seem big enough or strong enough to stick at the major league level. But he transformed himself into an all star - we thought, using nothing more than hard work. Eric Gagne was a so-so starting pitcher who suddenly became the second coming of Rollie Fingers - the ultimate "lights out" closer - before becoming hurt. The meteoric rise of both players, we now know, had less to do with a desire to work hard than a willingness to take a needle in the butt.

There will be a lot of talk about the report in coming weeks, about the methodology and the flaws. But no one can deny the magnitude of the problem. The last 10 years will always be remembered as the "'Roids Years", and nothing can change that. Baseball management must continue to work to implement an effective drug testing plan, and the players and their union must step up and take responsibility for their part in the mess. Time for everyone to start to act like the role models they are - like it or not.

Posted by MarlinNut @ 07:55 AM PST [link]

Help Me Now, I'm Fallin' ...

Believe it or not after yesterday's record-length rant, there's still ink in the ol' pen ...

-----

I'm a Florida Marlins fan, so Im used to the idea of a professional franchise in free-fall. But even I'm amazed at the train wreck that the NFL's Atlanta Falcons have become. Only 1 day after star QB Michael Vick was sentenced to 23 months in prison for his part in bankrolling a major dogfighting ring, head coach Bobby Petrino resigned and was later introduced as the new head coach at the University of Arkansas.

Wow ... it'd be time to pull the ripcord if only there were a parachute. With the Marlins, you at least understand some of the underlying reasons for the decisions that are being made - no stadium to bring in revenue, few fans, etc. But the Falcons' plight is something of a surprise, especially considering the men at the controls. Rich McKay has long been considered one of the brighter minds in the game, and was snatched away from Tampa Bay for his smarts. And owner Arthur Blank was the force behind the Home Depot and its domination of the home improvement market. These are smart guys, but they've clearly made bad decisions.

Without sounding stereotypical, no one was surprised to see Michael Vick get in trouble. As has been documented even by his own defense team, he was raised in a bad part of Newport News, VA, without much guidance. Only his athletic prowess allowed him to escape his background - a feat that his equally talented brother Marcus was unable to completely replicate. Now it seems that he was unable to leave the past behind him - something that should have been clear to the Falcons when they vetted his as a potential high draft pick.

As for Petrino, he's been known as an ambitious coaching vagabond for over a decade. He's repeatedly gone behind the backs of his employers in search of a better position, only to prounounce his undying loyalty when caught. The fact that he was announced as the Arkansas head coach literally hours after resigning as Falcons coach (over the phone, no less - class act, Bob ..) demonstrates that there were at least days of communication between parties - all while Petrino was talking about the upcoming game against Tampa Bay. Again, the Falcons should have known that it would take more than a 5-year contract to settle his restless ways.

About the only positive I can see in this is Petrino's apparent realization that he doesn't belong in the NFL. The Falcons' season is already a writeoff, and now they're free to pursue a new coach. As for Petrino, I hope he'll be happy back in college ball, because this act is like taking a flamethrower to any future NFL opportunities ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 08:48 AM PST [link]

Gooooooooood Morning Bangalore!

This entry is more of a vent than a rant, but I just gotta get it out of my system. I guess I could have subtitled it "Don't Know What You Got 'Til It's Gone" ...

For most of us, internet access is a given. Like the TV, telephone, water and power, it's just another utility that comes into the house. There are those of us, though, for whom it's a damn near essential. I'm one of those, and I'm realizing now just how essential it really is.

Waaaay back in 2000, I was one of the first folks to shift from dial-up to DSL, or digital subscriber line, internet access. I remember the joy when a telephone substation close enough to support my house came online, and the happiness of unpacking the modem and line filters. Ah, the raw speed! And at $50 a month, I'd happily paid twice as much.

As time passed, other options became available, but being a creature of habit I stuck with my system. Sure, there were faster ... and cheaper ... DSL options, and my cable company eventually offered an even quicker solution, but I didn't want to mess with the system. I had my 24-7 access and that was all I was worried about.

Last week, the base station for my Airport wireless network took a crap. I was able to cobble together a system using other parts, but it would be a mess until the replacement arrived. Fortunately, it came Saturday morning, and I spent an hour or so reconfiguring the network that supplies our duplex. I got the main router and three auxilary Airport Express routers set up, and took the extra time to bundle all the cabling up nice and neat. But before buttoning everything up, I thought it was prudent to do one last system check. Good idea, because for some reason, my 7-yr-old DSL modem picked that moment to head off to hardware heaven. No power to the lights means no power to the modem - and no internet.

Great ... I go from a cobbled together wireless network with access to a great one with no access. Unfortunately, unlike the Airport routers, I can't just go buy a new modem - it comes from the provider. So begins my round the world journey.

Now let me say before I go any further that while I'm not a huge fan of outsourcing, I understand the need. I realize that when I call my "local help desk", the person who picks up the phone on the other end isn't in my time zone - or likely even my hemisphere. No problem. All I ask is that in the outsourcing process, the needs of the customer are not forgotten. End rant ...

I know better than to call the Earthlink help desk when I have less than an hour to kill, so I jump online and use the "Live Chat" feature at the Earthlink web site.

(I should probably point out at this juncture that while I have no internet service to the house, I can sniff out 6 different wireless networks from my library. One, fortunately for me, is owned by someone with no concept of wireless security, so I can sneak onto that network for downloading email and emergencies like this. Like a kidnapper's phone call, though, you keep it short and get off the air!)

In the chat session I'm helped by "Chris S" whose grammer is a dead giveaway that he wasn't from any public school in America. We do the silly little dance necessary to confirm I am who I say I am, and I explain the problem: Dead modem, need new one. Now remember, this is a vintage 2000 modem. Naturally, they've upgraded things since then. Just as naturally, that means that it won't be as simple as dropping a modem in a box and calling FedEx.

Chris explains that they'll have to upgrade my account to their current DSL standard (something they should have proactively done years ago, IMO) so that I can use their current-issue modem. Good news? It'll double my network speed. Bad news? Someone is gonna have to check out my phone lines - in person. And when will that happen? Chris can't say. All he can do is generate a trouble ticket and give me the number to call on Monday morning.

Grrr.

I'll say this about spending an internet-free Sunday. There was a strange calm in the Home Office ... no answering of email, no hacking of code, no deleting of forums posts. It was ... unnerving. I still have the shakes. They say that admitting the problem is the first step, so there you go. Now shall we never speak of this again ...

After my conversation with Chris, I was convinced there was a solution in place for my issue, but I had no idea of when I'd be back up and running, so I called the number he gave me to check up on the trouble ticket. When I entered the number into the automated system, it replied that the ticket was already closed. Should have seen that trouble was on the horizon. Fortuntely, the system gives you the option to talk to someone if you feel you still have the problem.

Let's see ... no modem = no internet. Yup, still have the problem.

I'm transferred to the help line, where one of those annoyingly happy voices reminds me of how important my call is to them and that they might record my call for "quality control" purposes. Right ... I'm betting it involves a taser and a hammer, but I digress. The voice next informs me that I'll be transferred to the next available operator in "one ... eight ... minutes". Great. Fortunately (?), it only took 14 to get a live person. I'm not sure what city she was in, but it was definitely somewhere in the Indian Subcontinent.

Another 10 minutes go by as she verifies my account and calls up my trouble ticket. It's pretty clear that she has no real idea why I was sent to her, as there's nothing she can do. Looking at the ticket, it appears that it was referred to the local phone company in Redondo Beach so they can check out the lines. Considering the success factor associated with the idea of those two entities talking, I was about to inform her I was going with a different provider when she suggested they get the original individual who created the ticket on the line. What the hell ... in for a penny, in for a pound.

Another 10 minutes of hold music. Wonder if the Indians hate it as much as we do?

I guess I assumed this would be my earlier contact "Chris S" from the Saturday chat, but instead is was another tech trying hard to cover the Indian accent. And ... you guessed it ... another 10 minutes as he verifies the account and calls up the ticket.

By this time, over an hour into the experience, you want to just hang up - but you have too much invested in the process. I think they realize this, and use it against you ...

Another aside ... between times when I would tell him something, he'd have to go offline to check his data. Every time he came back on the line, it was always, "Are you still on the line?" Tells you something about how most of their customers must react ...

I explain for the umpteenth time that all I want is a new modem. This guy is back on the same line as Chris - I'll have to upgrade - but makes no mention of the need for someone to come and check the cables. Ah, progress.

Or so I thought. I figured the next thing I'd hear was the shipping date for my new, upgraded modem. As if. My new friend tells me I have three choices: I can have a free modem - but only if I commit to staying with Earthlink for at least a year (I'm currently monthly). OR ... I can have a new modem for $79. OR ... I can have a refurbished modem for $74. Pissed as I am at them, I'm not going to go through all this and then start all over again next week, so I bit on the free modem. Finally, we're through ... when will I see the modem?

Well, that depends, say my new friend. Do I want overnight shipping for $30, 5 day shipping for $20 or 10 day shipping for $15? Damn ... this is starting to sound like some kind of bad late night infomercial. "But wait ... there's more ..." I want very much to ask if the damned thing is being shipped from his office in Bangalore, but I resist. Gimme the quick shipping so I can end the nightmare all the sooner, I say.

You probably think I'm done - and so did I. That sound? That's the other shoe dropping. Once the modem arrives, I have to call so they can ... wait for it ... send out the technician the reset the lines! Jesus, you'd think it was two tin cans and some string.

So that's my tale of adventure with the helpful folks at Earthlink, India. I still don't have internet access, but at least a modem should be on the way. I keep thinking that if I'd have gone on what the first guy said on Saturday, I'd be waiting forever. I'm guessing that maybe tomorrow, maybe Thursday I'll finally have things back to normal at the Home Office.

Again, let me make it clear that I have nothing against any of the folks who actually helped me. They're just people living in difficult circumstances doing the best they can to improve their lives. My complaint is with the business executives who opt for these kind of solutions, knowing damned well that customer satisfaction will pay the price for their cost savings. And it's the same damned execs who create the demand for Guatemalan nannies and then complain about illegal immigration. Two-faced bastards ...

I feel much better ... thanks for listenening ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 11:21 AM PST [link]

Not Just "Yeah", but "Hell Yeah"

We wondered openly yesterday if it was a good idea for Led Zeppelin to take the stage after such a long hiatus. The answer came last night in spades ...

The reunited rock 'n' roll legends were superb Monday in their first full concert in nearly three decades, mixing in classics like "Stairway to Heaven" and "Black Dog" with the thumping "Kashmir" and the hard-rocking "Dazed and Confused." ...

...They followed that with "Ramble On," and with it destroyed all rumors that the 59-year-old Plant could no longer reproduce his trademark wail. ...

... When Page's solo started midway through the song, many in the audience were wondering whether the guitar virtuoso would resort to his old tricks.

But after only a few seconds, the 63-year-old Page turned his back to the crowd and walked nonchalantly toward his amp. Once there, he pulled a cello bow off the top, and the fans again went wild.

Sounds like the view is universal ...

"With a synergy like this going on, it would be an act of cosmic perversity to stop now," Pete Paphides of The Times of London wrote.

"They sound awesomely tight," Alexis Petridis wrote in Tuesday's The Guardian. David Cheal of The Daily Telegraph said the band's "familiar old sinew and swagger were still there."

The ticket line forms behind me ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 10:57 AM PST [link]

Never Say Never Again

It's a dangerous thing to say never, especially when so many things can influence your decision. That's particularly true if one of those influences is cold hard cash.

Back in the early '80s, shortly after leaving the Eagles for a solo career, Don Henley was asked if the group would ever get back together. "When hell freeezes over," he famously replied. Their 1994 reunion album carried the obvious title: "Hell Freezes Over". More recently, Van Halen - the rock and roll equivalent of a train wreck for the last decade - reunited with original singer David Lee Roth for a mini-tour ... complete with Eddie Van Halen's son on bass (it's worth noting that the house of guitarist Van Halen was extensively damaged this morning when a water main inexplicably burst and flooded his Coldwater Canyon home. Even God doesn't want them to tour ... ).

Now it's time for the ultimate supergroup to show if the lure of money can make them do something they'll regret. Tonight, for the first time since the 1980 death of drummer John Bonham, the surviving members of Led Zeppelin will take the stage in London - accompanied by Bonham's son Jason on drums. To say that demand has been brisk is an understatement. London's O2 Arena has seating for 20,000, but over 11 million people entered an online lottery for a shot at tickets - with the lowest having a face value of over $250 US!

So the real question isn't whether the band can sell tickets - clearly, people are willing to give them a shot. But with guitarist Jimmy Page a grandfatherly 64, and the others not far behind, can they rock? We've watched the Rolling Stones - themselves only a couple of years older - fade into a pale shadow of themselves over the years. Other than Plant's solo career in the '80s and a periodic paring between Page and Plant over the years, we don't really know what these guys have got left in the tank.

Either they'll rock, or they'll suck ... which means that in either case, they'll go over like a ... wait for it ... Led Zeppelin!

Posted by MarlinNut @ 03:12 PM PST [link]

Weekend Eye Candy - Fur-Free Edition

I've hugged a few marlin in my day, but I'm hardly what you would call a supporter of PETA - unless you're referring to People Eating Tasty Animals ...

I will say this about our friends over at People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals ... they understand how to market to my demographic. You'll recall we highlighted an earlier advertisement they had using Alicia Silverstone to support vegetarianism (that doubtless irritated the supporters of PETV ...). That one had me eating salads for weeks. Now they've rolled out the ads for their winter campaign to make sure the only natural fur you wear is that which God attached to you.

And what an advertisement! As with most of their recent campaigns, this one follows a tried-and-true plan by having actress Eva Mendez strip down to show her support for the cause. Let's see: hot latin actress ... check. No clothes ... check. Slutty makeup ... check! Yup ... they got me! Good thing I wasn't planning on wearing any fur this winter anyway ...

Hey, I'm just happy to see an attractive young woman who doesn't have a tramp stamp ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 06:28 AM PST [link]

Grammy Schmammy

It's nothing new to see the Grammys get it wrong when they announce their yearly nominations - hell, they've been screwing it up as long as I can remember. But it seems like they got it a little more wrong today than most years.

Bruce Springsteen - by anyone's standards, one of the greatest artists of the last half-century - released his first new album in several years last month. "Magic" is a critical favorite, and spawned the hit "Radio Nowhere". The Eagles topped even the Boss, releasing their first studio album since 1979's "The Long Run". "Long Road Out Of Eden" is a fantastic album, sounding much like the classic early-70's albums. The infectuous "How Long" is all over the radio, and is one of those songs you just can't get out of your head.

So when the Grammys announced their nominees this morning, you might have expected to hear these two artists names called. And you'd still be waiting. So who led the nominations? Kanye West and Amy Winehouse. That's Wino at left, wandering the streets of London earlier this week. I guess with the old man in the slam for drug possession, she's got time on her hands. This is the best pop music has to offer?

The one positive to come out of the nominations was Taylor Swift getting a nod for New Artist. Swift, a 17-yr old country performer, writes her own songs and has a depth to her music that usually takes another 20 years to develop. She was at the nomination announcement as one of the presenters, and her shocked reaction was classic. Pick up her self-titled album - you won't be sorry.

Posted by MarlinNut @ 07:50 PM PST [link]

The Perfect Gift For That Hard-To-Buy-For Relative

We all have that one person on our holiday shopping list. You know who - the one who has everything already, so it doesn't really matter what you buy ... they won't be impressed. You rack your brain looking for something so unique, so special, so obscure that they absolutely have to be surprised - just to be disappointed again. There has to be something out there that they don't have ...

How 'bout a porn star's boobies?

Once again, Mary Carey - aging porn starlet and erstwhile politician - has found a way to make headlines. Last time we saw Miss Carey, she was being dropped by her "studio" because she'd violated their "all natural" policy on breasts. Apparently, though, she's had a change of heart and had the implants removed. And what do you think she's doing with the now-unnecessary appliances? Same thing everyone with something they don't want any does - she's selling them on eBay. Said Mary ...

"Now that I'm sober, I wanted a new physical state to go along with my new mental state," said Carey. "I thought the auction would be a great way to spread some holiday cheer and to make sure someone out there has a Mary Mary Christmas."

Talk about owning the ultimate celebrity collectible. Imagine if these babies could talk - the things they've seen. To be fair, she's showing true holiday spirit, as a portion of sale of the autographed implants is going to charity.

So bid now while they're still available. As I write this, the high bid is just over $2,500 - but you know it's gonna go higher. And why not - it's not like you're gonna find these in the Sharper Image holiday catalog ...

Posted by MarlinNut @ 06:14 PM PST [link]

Gutted Again

Being a Florida Marlins fan is a schizophrenic experience. We've seen the highest of highs as the Fish won the World Series in 1997 and again in 2003. But we've also seen the heartbreak of having those teams dismantled via trades as each of the budding superstars outgrew the limited budgets available to the Marlins' management. From Kevin Brown and Gary Sheffield through Josh Beckett and Mike Lowell, Florida fans have fallen in love with their ballplayers only to be shipped out for a handful of prospects.

The underlying issue that prevents the Marlins from spending any money for players - the lack of a decent stadium and the revenue stream it would bring - hasn't been solved, so you would expect more disappointment for the fans. Apparently, that's come to fruition today as Dontrelle Willis and Miguel Cabrera - the young heroes of the 2003 series and the only remaining links to that championship - are going to be shipped to the Detroit Tigers for ... you guessed it ... a handful of prospects. Now, to be fair, Marlins general manager Larry Beinfest and his staff have done an amazing job of insuring that the players they receive have the talent to blossom into stars. Hanley Ramirez and Dan Uggla are just two of the many rising stars the Marlins have received in recent years. But Beinfest's predecessor, Dave Dombrowski, is the Tigers' GM, and you gotta figure he can rate talent, too. But the Tigers are playing for now, while the Marlins once again look to the future.

It's gonna be a long season.

Posted by MarlinNut @ 07:42 PM PST [link]

Monday Sports Rant

After a wild and wooly long football weekend, you know I've got a few things to say ...

- Rumor has it that Brett Favre and the Packers lost Thursday night to the Cowboys, but how would I - or most of the country - know? We don't get the NFL network. Memo to the League Office: scrap it. All you're getting is bad will from your fans, and the fact that no other major sport has tried it should tell you something. Make your money the old-fashioned way - stick it to the fans with lots of advertising.

- Devin Hester may be the most exciting player to come into the league since Bo Jackson. But dude - you gotta catch that pass! Doesn't matter if you get 10 yards behind the defense when you have hands of stone ...

- Unlike most folks, I'm not going to jump on the BCS for the mess they've made of the bowl games this season. Frankly, it was such a wide-open season, with the #1 and #2 teams losing on the same weekend three (!) times, that any bowl matchups are bound to be anti-climactic. For the record, I agree with the two teams at the top, I think Missouri got jobbed by dropping from #1 to out of the BCS bowls in about 12 hours, and I'm thrilled to see the Hawaii Warriors - only undefeated team in the country - get a BCS payday. It's gonna be culture shock for their fans, though, who normally consider the Aloha Bowl to be their final home game of the season.

- Speaking of Hawaii, you probably missed Colt Brennan's 5 TD performance against Washington late Saturday night. Too bad, because it was Heisman-worthy. But while Brennan will get a seat at the Downtown Athletic Club next weekend, I don't think he'll get the hardware. It's pretty rare for someone from one of the smaller conferences to win the Heisman (think Ty Detmer), especially when Tim Tebow of Florida had a monster year. But you can also use this as a morality play - had he not screwed up when he first started college, he wouldn't have ended up at Hawaii in an offense that let him do his thing. Sometimes, redemption can be sweet.

- Not surprised, but saddened to hear of the passing of Evel Kneivel last Friday. There may not have been a more original sportsman in my lifetime. He practically invented the sport of motorcycle jumping, and his influence is still felt. More than that, he did it his way, even when the price was very steep. Broken bones, broken homes and jail cells all had now effect on him - he was Evel right up to the end. And you gotta like that. If you haven't seen the George Hamilton biopic from back in the '70s, get it - classic both for the subject matter and the Tanned One at his best!

Posted by MarlinNut @ 03:04 PM PST [link]