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Posts tagged ‘sex’

Straight From The Horse’s … Um … Mouth?

It’s an amazing world we live in, isn’t it? After all, has there ever been a time in our history where people with less talent could find more ways to cash out? From reality TV to wannabe popstars to the increasingly long list of Tiger Woods’ mistresses … allegedly … it seems a person doesn’t have to have any more talent these days than a willingness to make an ass of yourself in public – or show your ass in private.

It was about a year and a half ago that Eliot Spitzer, New York’s law-and-order governor, got caught with his hands in the … er, cookie jar. That jar came in the form of high-end call girl Ashley Dupre, and ended his career quite quickly. Ms. Dupre has been laying low, as it were, but you just knew that at some point, she’d resurface with some kind of media deal. And now she has

Leave it to the New York Post to give her an office and a computer and a job – as an advice columnist!  And, being the Post, you know it’s not gonna be a column about proper social ettiquette:

Sure, she’s made some mistakes. But now Ashley Dupre, the former escort who brought down Gov. Eliot Spitzer, is sharing what she’s learned in her new sex, love and relationship column — exclusively in the New York Post. Is your husband cheating? Is your daughter on a dangerous path? Our readers asked — and Ashley fired back with her no-nonsense advice.

I don’t know if she’s actually banging out the answers or has a ghost writer, but the first batch seems pretty straightforward. Asked about the perfect Christmas gift for a wife, Ashley replied:

Women are really not as complicated as men think. If we love you, it doesn’t take much.

It’s the little things that married people sometimes forget. Like spending romantic alone time together. I think sometimes you get so wrapped up in the kids, you put your relationship second by default and that’s definitely not healthy for the relationship.

Hmm … come to think of it, that answer alone probably rats out the ghost writer … :-)

Anyway, you can catch Ashley’s column every Sunday in the Post’s aptly named “Meet Market” section …

Soft As A Bear’s Bottom

I’m all for creativity when it comes to new products, but once in a while something comes along that leaves even me scratching my head.

Like most everyone, I find the shoulder belt in my car to be a major pain in the ass.  I’m sure if I ever hit anything hard enough to need it  that I’ll be glad I have it, but the rest of the time it just chafes.  Apparently for at least part of the female population that chafing is more than just an irritation – it’s a major problem,  But not any more – thanks to the Tiddy Bear – a shoulder strap pad that’s not exactly like all the others.

We’ve all seen different types of pads used to ease the discomfort that shoulder pads cause – they became all the rage once manditory seat belt laws swept the nation.  Most of them are just clip-on pads, and some are even shaped like animals.  But that’s where the Tiddy Bear comes into its own. 

First, there’s the name.  According to the promo, the name was picked to be “memorable” right.  Just say it fast, and you realize it not only is the name of the product, but the piece of anatomy it’s designed to protect (insert childish snicker here).    Then there’s the positioning – it doesn’t face out, where others can enjoy the character.  Nope, Tiddy Bear faces inward, so he can bury his snout in your cleavage.

The guys over at AdSavvy, who understand marketing a lot better than I do, are clearly impressed with the campaign, if not the product:

Really though, Tiddy Bear thing is genius. They already sell high-quality seatbelt pads at Target for under 10 dollars. The makers of the Tiddy Bear took that idea, and made it shaped like a bear so they could use their ultra-hilarious double entendre name, and charged an extra 5 bucks. Well played, makers of the Tiddy Bear Comfort Strap, well played.

Now, I appreciate a good sexual double entendre as much as the next guy – remember, I’m the guy with the busty mousepad.  But this one really takes the cake.  It’s going viral these days, so I’m not sure if units are really selling or it’s just getting a lot of press.  But it seems to me like this is their moment to shine, and take advantage of the buzz.  Obviously, the next step is to release a smaller version for young women – the PedoBear … 😉

Be Careful Who You Decide To Have An Affair With

Chances are, you don’t know who Steve Phillips is. If you a baseball fan you might recognize him as an analyst for ESPN, and if your favorite team is the Mets you may remember his as your former general manager. But the average person likely had no clue who Phillips is – until the New York Post splashed the details of his infidelity across their front page today.

Phillips, it seems, had an affair this summer with a 22-yr-old intern with whom he worked at ESPN. Those sort of things have a way of getting found out, and his bosses at the network disciplined him and he ended the relationship. I’m sure Phillips thought that was going to be the end of things, but he found out this week it’s not gonna be that easy. Stealing a page from the “Fatal Attraction” playbook, Brooke Hundley decided that she would not be ignored, making bizarre phone calls, leaving a letter at Phillips’ house and reportedly contacting one of his children on Facebook.

In retaliation, the jilted young woman repeatedly phoned Phillips’ wife, Marni, saying, “We both can’t have him!” an explosive police report claims.

Hundley’s desperate actions — including accidentally smashing her car into a stone column while speeding away from the Phillips’ home after leaving the letter — terrified the family, according to the Wilton, Conn., police report.

“I have extreme concerns about the health and safety of my kids and myself,” Steve Phillips said in a police statement, adding that the woman became “obsessive and delusional” after he dumped her.

As a single guy, there are certain things in this world with which I have no experience – like being a married guy in an affair. But I’d like to think I’d do a better job of vetting my partner than Phillips did. This one’s clearly a few bricks short of a load, which isn’t entirely surprising for someone that age. But beyond that, if you’re going to put your personal and professional lives on the line, why would you do it with a girl who – how can I put this delicately – reminds me of the players on the college women’s softball team who always wanted to arm-wrestle the men. Erin Andrews this girl is not. Somewhere, Bill Clinton is letting out a sigh of relief because Phillips just took his title of “Worst Pick of Intern to Nail”. I just don’t get it. I understand loveless marriages and desperation, but this one escapes even me.

Phillips took a leave of absense from ESPN to deal with the problem. I would assume that Hundley – whose antics outside Phillips’ house led to the police call that ultimately blew the whistle on the whole deal – has some legal issues of her own. Here’s hoping the collateral damage avoids the innocent parties and the whole thing can be resolved in private – and out of the media.

Some Things Just Shouldn’t Be Virtual …

“Everyone’s a star and deserves the right to twinkle.”

— Marilyn Monroe

She may not have been the most quotable celebrity (other than that whole “Happy Birthday, Mr. President” thing), but Marilyn certainly got this one right. If there’s thing people love, it’s to shine in the presence of others – whether they have the tools to perform or not. All you have to do is head down to “Karaoke Tuesday” to see that in action. Some folks are talented enough to make their own opportunities, such as those on “American Idol”. Then there are those who set the bar a little lower.

When I was in college, everyone wanted to be a rock star. After all, they were the ones who got the sex and the drugs, right? But not everyone had Pete Townshend’s chops, so we had to do with less. Thus was born the phenomenon of “Air Guitar”. You know the routine – one hand high for the notes, one low for the strum, and away you go. Actually knowing how to play works against you, since fake guitar is always more interesting that the real thing.

Now comes word to the Home Office of a group of folks who’ve taken that concept to a whole new level. Forget your Air Guitar – how about Air Sex?

Never been to an Air Sex show before? Here’s what you need to know: it’s a lot like Air Guitar, but instead of rocking out with an imaginary guitar, you’re making sweet and/or filthy love with an imaginary sex partner. You choose a clip of music, you show up in whatever sort of wardrobe you like, and you come up on stage and show everyone how you do it. Or how you wish you could do it. Or how you once had it done to you, and oh my god was that a bad idea and while it’s embarrassing to show that act to a room of strangers, you know that you need to do it now in order to make sure that no one else falls down the same rabbit hole you got stuck inside. Or, you know, just do it however you want. The only rules we have are the laws laid down by the state we’re in. Since the Alamo serves alcohol, you can’t get naked. And since we serve food as well, all orgasms have to be simulated (or at least arguably so). Other than that, you’re free to do whatever it takes to impress the judges, the audience in the theater, and the world!

Hmm … not quite sure the world is ready for this one. Sure, we all laughed at Meg Ryan’s orgasmic deli routine, but this might be a little much. I guess if folks were willing to eat bugs on “Fear Factor,” this can’t be much worse, right?

I just wonder if this is like Air Guitar, where the best performers are the ones who don’t really know what they’re doing … :-)