Men are under an awful lot of sexual strain these days.  It’s bad enough that every third commercial on TV is about erective dysfunction – hey, no one needs that thought running around their skull at just the wrong moment – but studies show that more and more women are realizing that what they get from a man can be sufficiently approximated by a battery-operated appliance.  What’s a guy to do?

Just when you think it couldn’t possibly get worse, the MB has received word from our friends north of the border of a fresh threat to the regions south of our borders.   The men in Langley, British Columbia, are well-advised to not simply walk around staring at their feet and instead keep a close eye on the feet around them – a mystery woman is loose who kicked a stranger in the nuts so hard that one exploded.

“I just want to know what her problem is,” Anthony Clark, 22, told The Province Tuesday. “People like her shouldn’t be on the streets.”

Clark was walking down a street back in September, presumably minding his own business, when came upon a young woman.

“I was looking down and then I took a passing glance and saw her walk up to me,” he said.

That’s when the young woman inexplicably kicked him in the groin hard enough to send one of his testicles into his abdomen.

Umm … ouch!

While this is one of those stories that might elicit giggles – or a remembrance of Jim Bouton’s Ball Four and the term “ding-dong” – the damage was actually quite serious. The damaged testicle was removed and will eventually be replaced with a prosthetic. The woman is still on the loose, and while there have been no other reported attacks, the RCMP believes embarassment may be preventing other victims from coming forward.

As for Clark, he’d dealing with the situation as best he can.

“My doctors say I will still be able to have children,” Clark said. “But at 22 that’s not something I want a stranger, this woman, to decide.”

I’ve been slapped by women, punched by women, and bit by women (although that last one wasn’t necessarily in anger), but I’m happy to say I’ve never been kicked by a woman – and I’d like to keep it that way, thanks … :-0

Earlier this morning, the first flight of what is touted as the future of the American space program took place with the launch of an Ares 1-X rocket from Cape Canaveral.  The rocket, part of NASA’s “back to the future” plan to return to the moon in an Apollo-like capsule, uses a combination of shuttle parts and new components.

The good news is that the suborbital flight,  scheduled to last only two minutes, appears to have been a success.  The booster section – similar to the solid rocket boosters in use by the current Space Shuttle – parachuted into the Atlantic where it will be recovered.  The upper section, which was a mockup, simply plunged into the water somewhere downrange.

Unfortunately, just as the program can look at this success, it faces its greatest challenge.  Many were disappointed with President Bush’s decision to retire the shuttle in favor of what is at best an underwhelming effort to retrace steps taken generations ago.  The current administration is reviewing the program, and is under significant pressure to cancel it.

I’m an unabashed fan of space exploration.  I was one of those kids who sat cross-legged on the living room floor watching the black and white pictures of early launches back in the ’60s, and I remain a fan today.  Part of the reason I built satellites for Boeing was to be part of the space program in some little way.

There is a significant value to space exploration, even as the price tag reaches staggering levels.  Many of the technological conveniences we enjoy today were initially developed for our space program.  More than that, though, we are a species of explorers – it is our destiny to push forward, even if that means pushing into space.

But space for space’s sake isn’t enough.  You can’t just build and fire rockets and call it good – hell, the Chinese did that a thousand years ago.  You have to have a purpose, and a passion, and a vision – and the Constellation program doesn have any of that.  Yes, we need to get people to and from the space station, but we can use the Russian hardware for that.  Yes, there are probably resources to be exploited on the moon, but that’s what commercial ventures are for – let the boys at Space-X show the way.  NASA needs to lead the race for space, but it needs to be the right space – and right now, we’re on the wrong path.

Microsoft’s new Windows 7 operating system has hit the marketplace, so first let me take a moment to welcome all our Wintel friends to the era of modern computing. It’s been tough on you all these last few years, having to stick with your old operating system as you watched the Boys from Redmond blow their toes off one by one with Vista. But your salvation is at hand … or so they say.

I’m an unabashed, unapologetic Mac guy, but I develop software that is ultimately used on Windows-based boxes, and have a good knowledge of their strengths and weaknesses. I customize user interfaces for a living, so I’m particularly sensitive to the experience a user has when working with computers, which has always made me wonder why people were willing to put up with the crap they were trying to sell Windows users. I appreciate all the criticisms of Macs and Apple in general – and am even willing to concede some of them – but the bottom line is that when you sit someone down in front of a Mac and ask them to do something, they just get it done. It’s intuitive – if you know nothing, but guess, chances are you’ll guess right. Try that with a Windows box – and tell the Help Desk I said “hi”.

From all accounts, Windows 7 is a fine product. It should be, considering the amount of time they’ve had to go through the consumer complaints about Vista and watch release after release of Mac OS X raise the bar. I’ve read the reviews, and I’m willing to accept that this is the version of Windows everyone has been waiting for – especially all of us still on XP.

A couple of things trouble me, though, perhaps more for the way they’ve been handled than for the actual issue. Vista was a significant upgrade from XP, both in terms of interface and the underlying way it functioned. It was the interface that failed; the underpinnings were solid, and have been used as the foundation for W7. But here’s the problem – most users out there, and practically all corporate users, are still using XP … and you can’t upgrade from XP to W7. You have to do what is called a “clean install” – basically, wipe the hard drive and start from scratch. That means finding all the files you want to keep, moving them to a safe place, installing the software and then re-educating it about everything it knew before – who you are, your email accounts, etc. Major pain in the ass for a tech-savvy pro … certainly not something you’d want to burden your garden variety computer user. That will not only prevent many users from making the upgrade, but it’ll all but assure that corporate users won’t move on. Just not smart.

Another thing I noticed was that programs written for XP don’t work in W7. Again, I totally understand why this is, and don’t even necessarily consider it a bad thing. When the Mac OS moves from 9 to X, a similar issue occurred, and the solution was similar to that used in W7 – a separate window that emulated the older system and allowed apps to be run. But when Apple did this, there was a huge cry from the tech press about leaving people behind and forcing them to use a substandard emulated environment. Where’s the tears now, PCWorld?

Anyway, congratulations, Microsoft, on your new operating system. All signs point to good things as you continue your transformation from software overlords to Apple clones – how’s that new Microsoft store coming along? If only you could clone the innovation of Apple as well as you copy the invention …

Another icon of the early days of television has been lost with the death yesterday of comedian Soupy Sales.

Born Milton Supman in 1926, Sales became famous for his children’s show in the ’50s and ’60s, “Lunch with Soupy Sales”. Two things set his show apart from all the other kids shows of the time. While it was made by adults for kids, they never talked down to the audience – many of the jokes were as funny to the adults, and as a result many famous people wanted to guest star on the show. And then there the pies. Soupy Sales made the comedic gag of a pie to the face into an art form. By his own estimation, he was hit by 25,000 pies over the years.

After the end of his show, Sales was a familiar sight as a game show participant, where he never failed to bring certain cool to the set. Sales died in New York at the age of 83.

Somewhere, White Fang is crying.

I initially intended this post to be a riff and commentary on a poll I saw earlier this morning on CNN.com asking if you would be willing to pay $4.95 to see former president George W. Bush speak. Knowing that they don’t run polls unless the item actually exists, I decided to look into this one – and was amazed at what I found …

I think a lot of us wondered just what President Bush would do with himself once he was out of office. After all, it was pretty clear he wasn’t going to be doing the big-dollar speaking tours that predecessors like Reagan and Clinton used to feather the retirement nests, and there’s only so much time a guy can spend puttering around the house and walking the dogs. But he still has the title “former president” and the cachet that comes with it, and you knew that someone would pay him to show up somewhere. Personally, I’d have guessed he’d be the keynote at an some regional NRA meeting, but even I didn’t see this one coming: George Bush, Motivational Speaker. That’s right folks, step right up and get your tickets to the circus …

The GET MOTIVATED Seminar is an action-packed, fun-filled, explosive, exciting, inspiring, skill-building business event that is world famous for its mega-watt superstar speakers and spectacular stage production. This blockbuster one-day seminar will give you proven strategies to sharpen your business skills, ignite your motivation, accelerate your effectiveness and increase your income!

Only the BEST of the BEST appear on our stage! Dazzling pyrotechnics, live music and stunning special effects set the stage for our superstar speakers who deliver riveting presentations packed with cutting-edge skills for success.

The GET MOTIVATED Seminar will give you and your team the latest and greatest information in the arenas of time management, leadership, goal achievement, sales training, negotiation, finances, investing, relationships, health, spiritual success, business strategies, motivation, communication skills and much more!

You’ve seen these before … traveling seminars that go town to town with an ever-changing lineup of speakers, each of which is danced out to perform for 20 minutes or so and fire up the crowd. Well, apparently GWB is their new show pony, and will make his debut next Monday in Fort Worth as part of a lineup that includes old pals Colin Powell and Rudy Giuliani, along with that well-known intellectual Terry Bradshaw.   The best part?  It’s only $4.95!  I’m tempted to chuckle at the thought of a former president whoring himself out for five bucks, but I suspect he’s the one doing the laughing …

Guffaws aside, Bush is likely laughing all the way to the bank. Although “Get Motivated” did not return calls, financial disclosure forms in the past have shown other big-name pols – among them former Mayor Rudy Giuliani – pulled down $100,000 for an hour-long pep talk.

The seminars tend to draw mostly salespeople looking to up their game. What they get is a mix of how-to business and motivational tips, often framed in Christian, patriotic themes of the kind Bush often invoked as President.

The former First Lady will headline three “Get Motivated” events in October and November – meaning the retired twosome could be looking at an estimated $500,000 payday by Christmas.

Yep – definitely sounds like a home game for George. Once the reviews are in, you can bet we’ll have more to say …

It’s been a while since we heard from Nadya Suleman, the famewhore with 14 kids and a tummy stretched to next Tuesday. This might be just the thing to get you back into the news, babe …

Umm ... ewwww!

An outfit called [re]design, whose motto is “for designers who don’t want to make landfill,” has an exhibition touring England called “Doing It For The Kids“. The goal of the show is to highlight various examples of sustainable play design, but I’m pretty sure that one example is going to garner the lion’s share of the media attention. I refer to, of course, the … wait for it … placenta teddy bear! That’s right – now, thanks to designer Alex Green and his “Teddy Twin Kit,” you can take what would otherwise be deemed biowaste and turn it into a unique if less than cuddly buddy for your baby – and a perfect genetic match, too!

Green’s ‘Twin Teddy Kit’ ‘celebrates the unity of the infant, the mother and the placenta,’ and enables preparation of the placenta so it may be transformed into a teddy bear. The placenta must be cut in half and rubbed with sea salt to cure it. After it is dried out, it is treated with an emulsifying mixture of tannin and egg yolk to make it soft and pliable. Then, you craft it into a teddy bear.

Yeah … and not want to eat for a week. This one might be a little much for your average seamstress.  Judging from the pictures, our little friend is only a couple of inches high, but hey – there’s a rather limited supply of raw materials.  Of course, Octomom and her nemesis Kate Gosselin could probably sew a full-sized teddy from their leftovers … and Michelle Duggar could probably stitch up a life-sized bear – one that’s still growing as we speak … :-0

Here’s all you really need to know about living in Southern California …

Tonight, we’re under a tsunami advisory because of the 8.0 earthquake in Samoa, and fire weather watch due to the low humidity. Now, to be honest, the tsunami wave – scheduled to hit tonight around 9pm local time – is only predicted to be 20 inches high, and I live about 5 miles away from the closest potential wildfire source, but hey – warnings are warnings.

I love LA …

It’s not the classic “Kentucky Fried Movie” skit, but a real-life situation that has the administrators of an Canadian high school district up in arms. For years, schools have resorted to student uniforms as a way to keep mischief to a minimum, but in this case, it’s the uniforms themselves that are causing the trouble – and it’s a different kind of a minimum that’s the issue …

“The issue is primarily one of morality and modesty: Girls are just wearing the kilts way too short and it’s difficult to enforce,” he said. “You see a student and you have to approach them and say, ‘You know, your uniform is too short.’ … It’s just really difficult to enforce, and there’s way too much time involved.

That’s right – the girls are flounting the rules and the hemlines are slowly creeping upward.  The solution?  Put the girls in pants – except for the uproar from parents over the cost of the now-discarded uniforms.  But at least order will have been restored, right?

Once again, what was first seen as a way to solve problems becomes the issue itself. I think our government could learn a lesson from this …

As a web designer, I appreciate the value of solid, crisp design. Few things irritate me more than a lazy attempt to slap together something, whether it is in print or web format. I have even been accused of being a bit anal when it comes to getting it just right, but even I scratch my head at the way some people are get worked up over relatively minor changes.

Take, for example, IKEA. The largest exporter of items from Sweden, they’ve become one of the world’s iconic brands, so it’s understandable that if they choose to implement change it might be newsworthy. They’re making a change, alright, and it’s getting a lot of news, but for all the wrongg reasons. What is this monumental change that has everyone all … ahem, atwitter? Have they given up on European design? Are they abandoning the big blue and yellow stores? Did they discontinue the beloved Billy bookcases? Nope … they’re changing their font from Futura to Verdana …

“Ikea, stop the Verdana madness!” pleaded Tokyo’s Oliver Reichenstein on Twitter. “Words can’t describe my disgust,” spat Ben Cristensen of Melbourne. “Horrific,” lamented Christian Hughes in Dublin. The online forum Typophile closed its first post on the subject with the words, “It’s a sad day.” On Aug. 26, Romanian design consultant Marius Ursache started an online petition to get Ikea to change its mind. That night, Verdana was already a trending topic on Twitter, drawing more tweets than even Ted Kennedy.

Now, I know what you’re thinking – hey, it’s just a font, right? And that’s true. But for font purists, it’s a question of correctness. Verdana is an open-license font that was specifically designed for use on the web, at a time when graphics were somewhat limited. In other words, it’s a dumb font, limited in capabilities. But IKEA sees it as universal – not unlike the products they sell – and is somewhat dumbfounded by the reaction.

“I think it’s safe to say we were surprised by the response,” admits IKEA spokeswoman Monica Gocic.

Stay tuned …

You know, when I see the amount of time we spend covering our own asses, I marvel at the thought that we’re decended from the folks who won the West …

Jared Bergstreser and Colin Trapp were employees at a Best Buy store in Colorado. I emphasize “were,” because they aren’t any more. The heinous act for which they were terminated? They tried to stop a shoplifter.

“A gentleman came by us in a red shirt with a bunch of product in his hand. It was pretty obvious that he hadn’t paid for it yet,” Trapp said.

“I just kind of reacted. I wasn’t thinking about it and followed the guy out the front door and tackled him,” Bergstreser said.

As you might imagine, the corporate types are quoting the policy manual and justifying their decision.  The terminated employees are still disappointed by it all.

“It was just completely demoralizing. You think you have in your head what you know is right or wrong, what your parents instilled in you growing up as a child, and then to be reprimanded for that act is so sour and so sad,” Trapp said.

“I think I did what I believed was right,” Bergstreser added.

Now, to be fair, the situation could easily have gone bad.  The thief pulled a knife, and a store employee got nicked in the process of trying to calm the situation.  And it’s true that Best Buy, like most retail enterprises, has policies in place that dictate that employees do not insert themselves into dangerous sitations for fear of just such an escalation.  Some kind of action would need to be taken towards the employees for a technical violation of policy, but termination?  What exactly is the message they want to send here – or do they even care about the message?  We spend so much time and money protecting the rights of the guilty and those presumed so; just once I’d like to see someone stand up for the people who try to do the right thing – even when technically it’s wrong.

If it were up to the corporate lawyers, our forefathers would still be standing on the Boston quayside, saying “we can’t throw that tea in the bay … we could get in trouble,” and the Union Jack would be flying over the White House.